Talking Allergies

Hi!
I recently had a conversation with a cousin who has life threatening allergies and children with food allergies. I was concerned about Christmas events and my 15 month old son who is has milk and egg allergies. I was frustrated after we went to a family event and there were deviled eggs on the coffee table....
My cousins response to my concern was - You wouldn't ask your family members to stand behind your car while you backed out of the driveway and food in the reaches of allergic little hands is the same thing...

The whole family gathering at Christmas can be stressful! And if little dishes of snack food are out, cross contamination can easily occur.

Twas the night before christmas, my mother in law stopped by my house....

She came over to drop off presents, and pick up for the rest of the family since we would not be attending christmas at her house. Even though I have told her repetedly, no kissing the children, she did it numerous times, on the face, involving a lot of spit.

So after the first kiss, I looked like this and my husband left the room to discretely wash my youngest daughter. I followed him and said "get back in there. It is your mother, and it is your responsibility to protect the kids from her. If she can not lay off the allergen-transfering kisses...don't let the door hit her in the huh on the way out."

He did not want to cause a big fight on christmas eve, so he did not stand up for the kids, and tell her to immediately stop the kisses. She was however glacing at me while she did it, in an undermining way.

She continued to talk about how christmas is a time for families to be together, and refered to my daughters severe-potentailly life threatening food allergy as a skin sensitivity, because most of her reactions are just hives...but they are from contact, not ingestion. She said how my husbands allergies were all resperatory, and that my daughters are nothing more than a skin sensitivity. My husband did jump in and inform her that my daughters reactions are from contact, and not ingestion...because we do not make a habit of sticking her allergens in her mouth. He also told her that if her skin swells and develops hives from contact with milk protein too small to even see sometimes...that it is safe to say that ingestion would be quite severe.

We argued after she left, and after the kids were in bed because I was furious. I said I was frustated and disappointed that he did not step in and put an end to the kisses immediately. He did not wish to have an argument with her infront of the kids...and I said that I did not wish to spend christmas eve in the ER. I told him that sometimes being the parent of an allergic child means that you have to step in and protect them, even if it means causing an argument with a person who is doing something that is putting your child at risk. An allergic reaction does not care that it is christmas, and that I was extremely irritated that he spared her feelings...when she so rudely dismissed mine.

I think he completely gets it now...how she is, and how she undermines my efforts to keep my kids safe. I bathed the kids immediately after she left ( she was here only 15 minutes ) and my youngest daughter spent Christmas day with an eczema flare up all over the side of her face where she was kissed. There was no denying that her flared up face was the result of my MIL.

We agreed that my husband will confront her, and she will wash her hands when entering my house...and refrian from kissing the kids...or she will NEVER enter the house again, or see the kids anywhere.

I saw my SIL today who brought over her kids to exchange gifts with my kids. She was at MIL house since christmas eve and said that MIL was eating peanut brittle, mixed nuts etc. prior to coming to my house to give us our gifts. SIL reminded MIL of the nut allergies...and MIL said that I had to deal (then she came to my house and assaulted them with sloppy kisses ). SIL bathed her kids last night, and said to MIL "DO NOT GIVE THEM NUTS since they were coming to my house the next morning". MIL kept trying to give them pistachio pudding and peanut filled snack mix.

SIL is really good with the allergies since she is allergic to strawberries and kiwis, and MIL is always trying to give her food with strawberries in it. She now is considering the boycot of MIL holidays that I have started.

I'm sorry to hear about the latest incident with your MIL. That's awful that she would eat nuts just before visiting. I really think that there need to be counsellors who deal with food allergies....or it would really good if one could bring family members/partners to allergy appointments so that they would hear things first hand.

Is MIL the mother or MIL of this SIL? It's really sounding like the woman is psychotic. (I can't believe I just posted that.)

It's good to know that your SIL thinks about your children's safety.

I was going to say the same thing myself. Wow, that woman has some issues.

SIL is married to my husbands brother, so it is her MIL too. They also have issues regarding her kids and boundaries. My MIL plays Santa to her kids, and has for 6 years, and my SIL hates it, but her husband lets MIL do whatever to keep family peace.

Then, I come along and have to put my foot down, and say "no, I am santa". That was the beginning of christmas arguments, then I moved dangerous tiny choking hazard ornaments, and then now with my "no nuts" and no other food within reach, no kisses, and wash after eating, I've just thinks I am "the evil DIL" that ruined her idea of christmas.

I really hate the woman, and with her eating nuts and then coming to kiss my kids...she has pretty much chosen to be excluded from our lives.

Thanks for the support everyone...she can really drive a person crazy!!!

This year MILs nephew (8months old) was there too. She moved all of her tiny ornaments, and breakable "blue glass" that I pointed out 4 years ago as a danger to the grandkids which she REFUSED to move to keep the grandkids safe. She said that "nephew, (who was a result of extensive invetro fertilization ) is special because he cost $10, 000 and he can not be replaced!" I hate to think that she is thinking that my kids can easily be replaced because getting pregnant was easy for my husband and I. Its hard to take it any other way when there are numerous nuts everywhere, but she did not have any "chokables" out this year.

I can't believe what you go through with your MIL. She is crazy and dangerous. You are right to restrict her access to your children. Not only is she placing your children at risk of a serious reaction but she is sending them mixed messages about allergies. She is deliberately undermining everything you are teaching your children about allergies. Keep up your guard. Good luck.

We just had to deal with a minor reaction on Christmas Eve to an unknown allergen. It could have been the SIL who drown herself with perfume or the visitors who hugged and kissed my daughter or the toys the children played with that were brought from a house with numerous animals. It is so difficult being away from home with allergies and being around so many different people. Anyways despite the minor reaction it was a nice holiday. If anything the reaction reminded my relatives to be careful around my daughter.

I think we need a special little devil dil smilie. Some kind of cross between this and this



I get along quite well with my MIL. But, we did have some problems over the years. Tiny breakable ornaments that I would put out of my son's reach, and she would put back down. She stopped doing that when I allowed him to throw them across the room.

He had a tray full of rattles and toys - but she gave him a bottle with prescription pills in them. I didn't agree that the child-proof lids really are safe. When her daughter's daughter managed to open the bottle she shared them with her baby sister and both girls ended up in the hospital getting their stomach pumped. (Both girls were fine - doctor said it looked like they didn't eat any of the pills.)

When my son was crawling around she kept putting him in her grand-daughter's walker. I HATE THOSE THINGS. I call them an accident waiting to happen. Anyway, my son's were all born with a congenital deformity in their legs and putting them in a walker would have made the problem worse and probably required surgery. She finally stopped trying to put my son in the walker when her granddaughter fell down the stairs in it.

Some people just can't imagine what could go wrong. That seems to be my MIL's problem. Until it actually happens - she just can't even imagine that it could happen.

You MIL can imagine it - if it has a really big price tag.

<still shaking head>

I just cannot believe this MIL. What is her husband like? I am so sorry that you had this to deal with over Christmas. Could you have some sort of family intervention? She is clearly a danger to your children at this point, and you will never be able to trust her judgement.

Have you showed her the People magazine article called the "Kiss of Death" about Christine from Quebec's death?

Maybe you could get her on a Dr. Phil show, she's certainly as bad as anyone I've ever seen on that show.

I can understand if a family member caused a reaction if they didn't understand or were not informed, but when MIL has been clearly told not to eat nuts or kiss and then does it anyway, it is an abuse and it is an assault.

Your husband may need some help to be effective in his dealings with his mother, you could suggest he meet with a counsellor to help walk him through it. I sure feel sorry for him. My mom is quite difficult and has powerful anger, it is VERY hard for me to stand up to her. I read a really helpful book called "Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-ups Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents" by Nina W. Brown, Ed. D., L.P.C.. It soulds like she cannot see anyone's point of view but her own, and will go to great lengths to get her way. I do not know if that would be helpful for you, but it really allowed me to understand how my mom could love me and yet seem not to have my best interests at heart. It has lots of helpful tips on boundary setting.

You are right, she is wrong, but that doesn't solve the problem for you. I wish you all the best of luck in dealing with this, I hope that having this forum club to share with helps you, so you know you are doing right by your girls.

My MILs husband is actually pretty good with the allergies. He is my husbands step-father who married my MIL when my husband was 17. My husbands father is absent. My MILs husband will wash his hands after eating if he is around my kids, or wash when he comes to my house. He also respects that he has been asked not to kiss my kids...and understands the danger. We negotiated a plan for a safe holiday last year with him, where I brought all the baking, and food was not left within reach of my kids...however, my MIL had other ideas, and our plan was not allowed by her.

All of the grandkids (who have been endanged by chokables and other things at christmas ) were biologically her grandkids not his. This year he had his first biological grandkid at christmas. She is 2 months old...and my kids step cousin. I heard through the grapevine that the babies mother (MILs step daughter ) was not exactly thrilled that my MIL forcably played santa to her new baby. Something I had to put my foot down on 4 years ago.

I just get the impression that my MIL thinks it is all a joke. Every time she nearly poisoned my husband at familiy get togethers she just laughed it off. However, I am not laughing.

I like the title of that book Pam, it sounds like good reading. Sometimes with people like my MIL, you beat your head against a wall so many times and make no progress, that you just want them to go away so you can live your life in peace surrounded by people who respect you and treat you well.