Talking Allergies

Our daughter, who is allergic to milk and eggs just turned 1. We knew my husband's family was not entirely on board with avoiding dairy, but we had no idea how clueless they were.... This past weekend his dad and stepmom had the entire family out to their farm to celebrate our sweet munchkin's birthday. Great, right? They ordered a DQ ice cream cake - no, I am not joking! Rather than cause a huge scene, I suggested they wait until DD was down for a nap to bring out "her" cake. Fine, cake comes out during the nap, I wipe down tables etc afterwards and think we have successfully avoided the danger. Wrong. As the afternoon progressed my mother in law gave my nephews (who are 2 and 3) two ice cream cones each!!! I tried to explain that it really was dangerous, especially since they are so little and will probably spill and drop crumbs, but I am told they'll sit at the table and that they know enough not to let her near their cones - grrr.....

I sent my sister in law (the boys' mom) a polite email earlier this week explaining that DD is contact allergic and has broken out in hives from simply touching cookie crumbs and stressed that we need to be more careful, especially since their farm is at least 40 minutes away from the nearest hospital. She has yet to reply to my email and my hubby is concerned that I have now caused a rift in the family. Any suggestions on how to help them understand the danger without completely alienating ourselves in the process?

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DD: 2.5 years old, allergic to milk, outgrown egg

Welcome, I'm glad you found us. If you've browsed through the threads I'm sure you've noticed that stressed relationships especially amongst family who don't 'get it' isn't an issue unique to any one of us. This strain unfortunately can at times be passed on to us as parents affecting for a time our own relationships. Each of us has just had to learn that causing a rift or rocking the boat is sometimes unavoidable to keep our little ones safe.
Sometimes there is no alternative but to rock the boat ----just be sure to hang on for dear life chanting..'rock, please just don't capsize, rock please just don't capsize'.
What we all hope is that through time family understand more and become more empathetic. Like many on the forum our DS's allergies started as an infant, he now just turned 3 and it DOES get easier.
Back to family/friend, well, some situations are non-negotiable. The perimeters of my comfort zone might expand as he gets older but for now I know what it takes to keep him safe and there is no wiggle room!!

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DD 12 yrs -no allergies
4 yr old DS - asthma/eczema Anaphylactic to Peanuts, all tree nuts, sesame , all pea/lentil legumes, gelatin.
Allergic to trees, grass,ragweed, feathers, dander, mold and dust.
Outgrew eggs, fish, shellfish

Welcome andygal,

No, you are definitely not alone. Many of us have gone through very similar situations with our families and even friends. We come to expect that family should "get it" and comply with our rules because they are supposed to love us and want to keep us safe. Unfortunately, it's easier said than done.

My suggestion is to wait and see how your email is received. Then take it from there. Just impress upon them, politely yet firmly, that since your daughter is so young and is likely to put her hands onher face and in her mouth after touching surfaces, it is really dangerous to have her allergens at gatherings.

I also suggest you read a story that one of our writers did on this very issue:
http://allergicliving.com/index.php/201 ... ves-ahead/

Stay strong and good luck!
Lisa

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Associate Editor at Allergic Living.
Allergies to all nuts and legumes except soy and green beans.

It is expecially hard when it causes a rift between you and your husband. You both need to be on board about how to deal with allergies and allergens. Does he agree that it is a concern?

When dealing with in-laws, it is best that the blood relation do the speaking. Another reason that you need to be on the same page.

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Moderator
Daughter: asthma, allergies to egg, milk, peanuts, tree nuts, most legumes (not soy) & penicillin. Developing hayfever type allergies.
Husband: no allergies
Me: allergies to some tree that flowers in May
Cat: allergic to beef, pork and lamb

That is excellent advice - thank you very much. Even though it is even more complicated because it is his step mother I do think it is best for him to be the one to have the discussion. I think they would take him more seriously than they would me. Thanks again.

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DD: 2.5 years old, allergic to milk, outgrown egg

I think you did the right thing. I agree with PP though - maybe have your husband follow up and support you. It is so frustrating when family doesn't "get it." They have no clue what it is like and are simply uneducated. It's hard but we have to be strong for our little ones and be willing to step out of our comfort zone to protect them. I would just work on educating them until they get it. Good luck to you!

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2yr old DD: milk and eggs

It can help to remember that:
1. it takes time to absorb all of it.
2. you are around it 24/7 they aren't so that time is spread out over visits and they'll forget some in between
3. they are older and are probably just sticking to a pattern that has worked for them before.

You (and spouse) will really need to spell out for them what not to do and what they can do instead.

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Moderator
Daughter: asthma, allergies to egg, milk, peanuts, tree nuts, most legumes (not soy) & penicillin. Developing hayfever type allergies.
Husband: no allergies
Me: allergies to some tree that flowers in May
Cat: allergic to beef, pork and lamb