Talking Allergies

I am in my 20's and single. The food allergy thing is new to me, and a little scary. I was wondering if anyone could share stories about dating? I know it might seem like a petty concern, but relationships are hard enough anyway, and this is just an extra thing to worry about. I am not so seriously allergic to anything (yet) that I need to worry about the date getting me sick with his food or anything. But I carry a medical kit with me (Benadryl, epi-pen, asthma inhaler) and wear a bracelet (although for a drug allergy, not he food stuff). So the guy will notice eventually. And I don't want them to be turned off by thinking I am some kind of weirdo hypochondriac or something (I'm not! I really do get actual reactions to certain things and it is not in my head or me being too 'sensitive' or anything like that!) And also, as for having kids...everyone in my family has allergies. I mean, almost every single person. It is pretty much a given that if I had kids, they would get something. Is that going to turn someone off? Like I said, I know it might seem like a petty conern, but I am just wondering, for those who are like me still at this stage, if it's an issue. How do you date with food allergies without seeming like a hypochondriac or weirdo about it?

(to clarify, I know that people with food allergies are not hypochondriacs or weirdos or anything. But if even my own doctor, who is a medical professional, won't take it very seriously, how can I except a layperson to? There seems to be a lot of misconceptions about this sort of thing and I have found that a little hard sometimes)

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Asthma and eczema
Drug allergy (succinylcholine)
Food (corn, raw apples, green beans, tree nuts, flax)
Misc (pollen, grass, mold, dogs, cats)

Ficbot - I can't really help since I'm the mom of two little guys who will be worrying about this about 10-12 years' from now... but I've moved your post to the Etiquette and dating forum so that others who check that forum will be able to help...

You're not alone, I know that much. And I would think that all the allergies in the media would help a bit. I mean, someone would really have to not be paying attention to not notice that allergies appear to be on the rise... and not just with young kids.

I also remember, oh so long ago, those days of being interested in someone, and frankly, if they had special health problems and I liked them, I don't think it would have turned me off. It would have made me want to help them. Perhaps this is a good way to weed out the good from the bad. The good want to stick around and get to know you. The bad want to take off at the first sign of anything difficult... (Just a thought - but even now I'm telling my guys that when they get older, if a girl that they like isn't nice to them, they should not hang around with her!)

K.

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Karen, proud Mom of
- DS1 (12 yrs): allergic to cashews, pistachios, Brazil nuts, potatoes, some legumes, some fish, pumpkin seeds; OAS
- DS2 (1o yrs): ana. to dairy, eggs, peanuts; asthma

This is NOT a little thing. It is probably the biggest concern of all.

I didn't develop my allegies until after getting married and having two children. But, I would advise you to not hide your allergies. It's to dangerous. There's no need to hand over a full list on a first date -- but if he wants to go out for dinner, you need to do whatever is required to make it safe for you.

I haven't been on a first date in a very long time -- and even then, we were friends first. I knew about his health problem before our first date -- I also knew it was hereditary. I wasn't planning on having kids on that date though. By the time I was thinking about children, not much else really mattered.

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self: allergy to sesame seeds and peanuts
3 sons each with at least one of the following allergies: peniciilin, sulfa-based antibiotic, latex, insect bites/stings

And I agree with AM - this is a big concern. It's not silly at all. I hope those "in the trenches" (of your age) have some good advice beyond what AM and I have said.

K.

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Karen, proud Mom of
- DS1 (12 yrs): allergic to cashews, pistachios, Brazil nuts, potatoes, some legumes, some fish, pumpkin seeds; OAS
- DS2 (1o yrs): ana. to dairy, eggs, peanuts; asthma

Hmmm.. I guess I'm in the trenches!

I'm just about 22, and I've been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. At this point, he's my biggest supporter, and is really protective of people not bringing allergens into our place.

That being said, it really isn't easy at the beginning. I think at first he didn't really get it, and so I'd ask him if he ate anything that would bother me, he'd say no, we'd kiss, 30 seconds later I'd have hives, and he'd remember he had eggs for breakfast that morning. It was a learning process for him I think, though the first time I had a reaction he was with me, and that really smartened him up! He ended up taking it on himself to do lots of research for signs and symptoms, what to do, etc. Which, of course, was cute. Still though, I'll ask him when he gets home from work - did you eat any poison today? before I'll smooch him!

We were in Paris the Christmas before last, and I ate some french onion soup with egg in it. I was really disoriented and scared, and he had memorized on a map where the closest hospital was, and took me right there. Needless to say, my parents were sold on him after that!

What I'm trying to say is honestly, him being supportive was a HUGE sign for me that he was it. If someone is willing to respect you, support you, listen to you (even if you feel a bit paranoid) - that's something to really give credit for. I went through a time after those two major reactions where I was frightened even to eat food I had made from scratch with my own hands, and he was there to listen and talk it out with me. While I understand this is tough in a new relationship, I think it's a huge test of a guy (or girl's) integrity. I mean, if someone can't support you with a life-threatening condition not of your own making, why bother?

Always be honest with someone. You're so worth not eating nuts/eggs whatever for. Seriously.

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ana to peanuts, nuts, eggs, shellfish, bananas
mild asthma and eczema, seasonal allergies

That has always been a concerne of mine when I was your age but I never to really address it until I met someone which I was serious about actually dating (26). Anyways, we were friends first so she got to know me and see that I'm really not so much of a freak as I might sound sometimes, but I put my cards on the table pretty soon after we started dating. I'm allergic to peanuts and al types of nuts and I told her about my fears and my concern and that she could chose between eating those things or dating me because I was not going to date someone who ate peanuts and risk dying when I kissed them.

If you don't know me yet, you'll notice that my answers and my choices are always on the side of caution. I don't like risks, I don't take risk, I'm paranoid and I'd rather be safe than sorry. So of course, what I advise and suggest you is generally one of the most cautious points of view you'll get on these boards. I live well with my choices and with my line of thinking. So you should of course find the one that is good for you.

That beeing said, it worked out pretty well because we have been together six years, married for one, we bought a house together and we are starting to think about having a child. She was and still is very understanding and I believe honesty is the best policy in this matter and I think you can't compromise with your life. If the person you are dating does not respect you enough to understand your situation and do what is necessary from the get go, then you should probably keep looking.

Oh, it is soo helpful to read that there are other people out there that have been through this, are going through it or thinking about it! Oyy, I am not alone. My allergy list is extremely long, and I am very, very sensitive. I am at point where I need to write down a long list of things he can do to help me get healthy, I sent him a website on living with allergies. We've discussed them, but I just don't think it's hitting home. It's soo comforting to hear that other people have been able to find mates that help with keeping you healthy!

For a new special friend that you want to eat a meal with, I recommend preparing a picnic feast of safe food for you.

Then have this picnic in a safe public place. If the date is going well you can always walk around the picnic area and maybe play frizbee. If the date is going poorly you can separate and go home.

I always recommend erring on the side of too much honesty when it comes to allergies. Explain how you are much more likely to enjoy their company if you are not dealing with an allergic reaction.

Personally, nothing spoils the mood more than an allergic reaction. Mine can last up to 24 hours.

I also get mean and cranky when I am dealing with a food reaction. It is better to avoid the reaction in the first place.

My husband is my biggest ally in eating only safe foods. He works very hard to find safe products and then cook them safely for me. He showed this level of awesomeness from our second date on. I was an idiot food wise in both of our first two dates. My only excuse is that I hadn't been diagnosed with Food Allergies yet.

For some reason he likes me nice and not a monster. Strange huh?

Although I understand there aren't many alternatives, this really seems like an incredibly risky learning curve. I have so much pent up frustration on this particular issue that it’s not even funny.

I used to be allergic to eggs, dairy, & wheat (non-anaphylactic) and grew out of that allergy during puberty. Today, at 19, I still have my anaphylactic allergy to ‘all nuts’ (laymen’s terms natch). I am in no way willing to have a week-ruining and life-threatening reaction just to act as the visual component of No Nuts 101 every time a new guy catches my eye.

I am seriously considering becoming an entrepreneur and starting some dating service catering to those with allergies. Goodness knows the genetic odds make success an increasingly likely prospect.

I've thought of that too!!

I'm 27 and single so dating and making every new date aware of my allergies is just a fact of life for me.

I had one boyfriend who "got it" after he'd been eatting pistachios, touched my arm and saw the hives. However, at that point I had lost a great deal of respect for him, he put my life at risk making a mess with them in our home. Another bf was absolutely incredible about my allergies. He checked the labels in the grocery store, and felt SO bad when he realised that he ate a cookie (out of habit) from his pantry that may have contained traces of nuts. His reaction to that showed me how much he cared, and how seriously he took it all.

If a guy isn't willing to learn and understand then he's just not worth it, in my opinion. I want to be with someone who values my life as much as I do

bumping this....
just found this discussion and interested in hearing any new stories/advice people might have.
Turning 21 next month and still nervous about the whole dating with allergies thing...plus I LOVE the idea of an allergy dating association

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Associate Editor at Allergic Living.
Allergies to all nuts and legumes except soy and green beans.

My daughter didn't get her allerges until she was 12. Now at 16 she is vegan by anaphylaxis. There are many kids who roll their eyes at her when she says she is unable to help with the youth dinner fund raisers. She will not hide her allergies and the first question to a boy who has asked her out is can you give up meat and milk products for me? She has taken to saying I am sorry I only date vegans or those who will become one. We have talked about this and this is what she feels the most comfortable with.

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Karen in Ohio mom of 7
Allergic to tons and tons of food as well as perfumes, scented air sprays and cleaners. Hubby to Fish, ds #2 Shellfish, youngest to Eggplant, potato, Caesin, Raw Tomato & spinach.

I know...I, too, would be more comfortable dating a guy who was willing to avoid the foods that I am allergic to. My parents keep saying that I am worth doing it for but I don't know what to expect from guys my age...it seems like an acceptable request for someone whom you're going to settle down with but what about just starting to date?

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Associate Editor at Allergic Living.
Allergies to all nuts and legumes except soy and green beans.

Here is what I told my daughter why date a guy who will not give up foods and then if you fall in love why would he change? He dated you and did fine eating your allergin. Just a thought.

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Karen in Ohio mom of 7
Allergic to tons and tons of food as well as perfumes, scented air sprays and cleaners. Hubby to Fish, ds #2 Shellfish, youngest to Eggplant, potato, Caesin, Raw Tomato & spinach.

Good point....

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Associate Editor at Allergic Living.
Allergies to all nuts and legumes except soy and green beans.