Talking Allergies

Hi all! I am looking for ways to deal with our upcoming trip to Florida.

We are going to Florida for a week for my sister's wedding. My siblings and I rented a house for the week. They all know about V's allergies, and I sent an email this week asking if they would be willing to be peanut/egg free for the week. violetta is 19 months old, so EVERYTHING goes in her mouth and she tries to grab everything someone is eating. They are unwilling to do so. One sister said she would give up everything except peanut butter, and my brother and his family want to have eggs for breakfast every day, pb& j sandwiches for lunch and nut granola bars.. Seriously!! There will be 9 kids under the age of ten in the house, so I am VERY concerned about V's safety with food.

how would you deal with family that doesn't get it? I have asked them to all contain the foods to the kitchen/dining room, but I'm not sure they will do it.. I would like to have a low stress week as well, but don't see it happening. why can't people get that food allergies are serious??? We have 2 epi pens to bring, but I am thinking I may get a third, as it seems the odds are going up that it will be used.

I am seriously upset with my family right now. Even my mom is willing to not eat any peanut products this week.. and she's not even staying in the same house! Maybe I will have to have V stay with her for the week.. but that's not fair to anyone either... I wish we had known this prior to renting the house, I would have gotten a hotel room... but it was over a year ago that we booked it.. so we had no idea of the allergies at that time.. and I had no idea my family could be so inconsiderate... sorry for the rant..

jacqui

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DD: 11/19/08 allergy to eggs and peanuts

OMG, this seems to be a recipe for disaster. Really, how much put out would people be not eating pb for 7 days!!!! Eggs, ok, those are a little more easily contained as you tend to sit and eat eggs. But pj granola bars or sandwiches are portable and I could see people wandering about and munching on them. How much money would you be out if you just forefit your part of the deposit. If they are unwilling to make any concession to keep your daughter safe I'd say any agreement is already broken anyway.
Nine children = MANY STICKY FINGERS!!!

I know it is VERY difficult when you are talking family as well as a wedding, but not rocking the boat has to be weighed with the very stressful week and possibly traumatic one for your DD if she suffers reaction(s).
How many times must we all repeat....family is worse than friends when it comes to 'getting it'.

GOOD LUCK and a well needed hug sent your way.

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DD 12 yrs -no allergies
4 yr old DS - asthma/eczema Anaphylactic to Peanuts, all tree nuts, sesame , all pea/lentil legumes, gelatin.
Allergic to trees, grass,ragweed, feathers, dander, mold and dust.
Outgrew eggs, fish, shellfish

Wow! That is really inconsiderate of them. It's really not that much to ask of people...especially for 7 days of their life. Nowadays there are tons of peanut free granola bars and soy/sunflower butters are just as good (I'm told) as peanut butter and in fact better for you (less fat)! As for the eggs, haven't they heard of cereal or toast for breakfast? I would agree and say back out if you can and get your own hotel room. It's just not worth it. Your daughter will be traumatized if she has a reaction and so will you and you are already stressed out because you're anticipating the trip. It's not fair to you. And maybe, just maybe, you backing out will send them a message. I wish I could help you!

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Associate Editor at Allergic Living.
Allergies to all nuts and legumes except soy and green beans.

thanks for the replies! It's so good to have people here who understand!

I just got off the phone from a heated discussion with my sister. She thinks I'm overreacting.. and just doesn't get it at all. She said to me that I have done all I can, they will all watch their kids, and if something happens we have an epipen with us. She's worried about her kids having a fit because they can't have peanut butter one day! Ok... so... she deals with a meltdown for 5 minutes, or WE spend 7 hours in the ER?!?!

I don't know why it's a big deal to give it up for a week. I've offered to do all the shopping, so I can find safe bread, etc. I will see how things go, but my mom is renting a condo nearby, and if I have to, I will take Violetta there for the week. Insane...

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DD: 11/19/08 allergy to eggs and peanuts

That's crazy! I'd back out for sure, your daughters health comes way before their deisre for a PB and J sandwich. It's not like your asking a huge thing, and offering to do all the shopping on top of it all, if she wont conceed i'd say back out. I'm invited to a wedding with the family in september and I worry about that "everything goes in my mouth" thing, so i'm notgoing, i'm staying home with the kids and my husband is going alone, I woudn't want to risk a reaction away from home, and traumatizing my daughter, considering her last one was when she was too young to remember!

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Daughter 3.5 years) - Dairy, Eggs, Peanuts, Sesame, Beef; asthma and eczema
Daughter (2 years) - Peanuts Eczema
Son (7 months) - Contact allergy to something food undetermined

Wow, just wow! (I'd say more but this is a 'family' forum )
You have laid out what needs to be done to keep you infant safe. I would suggest that you advise them that you can not stay in the house that you planned on renting with them. You had no way of knowing a year ago that you would be dealing with this medical condition, but here it is. You need to put your child's safety first. They will moan and groan but they are not walking in your shoes.

Find another place to stay (can you stay at your mom's condo?-she can go to the 'nut house' for her fix) Good luck! Weddings have a way of bringing out the drama in families.

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Moderator
Daughter: asthma, allergies to egg, milk, peanuts, tree nuts, most legumes (not soy) & penicillin. Developing hayfever type allergies.
Husband: no allergies
Me: allergies to some tree that flowers in May
Cat: allergic to beef, pork and lamb

I would not stay in the house. They just don't understand. You do not know if your daughter will react or not. But you know it is not a good environment for her with all the allergy items in the house. If you stay and she does have a reaction not good. If she does NOT have a reaction that would be great but your siblings will think what was all the big fuss about. I know for my self just being around peanut butter it makes my tummy feel sick but how I feel inside may or may not show to others (hives ...)
I hope you get this all sorted out, you did not know a year ago what you would be dealing with things changed and you now play by different rules. Not everyone understands the rules

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Me-Allergic to Peanut, Tree Nut, Coconut, Shellfish, ASA and Asthma
My Husband and Children No Allergies

Great point Paige!!


I was thinking too that one day these same relatives may stay at your home, if you don't have firm rules now, where they see you mean business, they will assume it is ok to break rules at your home as your DD was 'fine' (according to them) during this stay together.
Don't allow them to drag you into heated arguments, I'd say get your DH on your other line when you talk, (I like Susan' approach to a united front) stay calm and just state what is going to happen as far as living arrangments etc....not open for debate. Be firm we are staying here because....., we are doing because.......

I am still just shocked by their response to you Really makes you wonder what that house would be like if one of their children had an allergy!!!!

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DD 12 yrs -no allergies
4 yr old DS - asthma/eczema Anaphylactic to Peanuts, all tree nuts, sesame , all pea/lentil legumes, gelatin.
Allergic to trees, grass,ragweed, feathers, dander, mold and dust.
Outgrew eggs, fish, shellfish

I, too, am shocked at their response. My mom thinks it is a knee jerk reaction, and things will be different once we actually get there. I should also point out, I am not asking them to go the entire week. We are staying in Orlando, so most of them will be out all day at theme parks and such.. we won't be, because DD is too young, and since we are in Florida at least once a year to visit my mom, we are going to wait a few years. Anyway, I don't care what they do outside the house.. I'm just asking for the few hours they are home to respect me and my family.

Anyway, we do have a plan to stay with my mom if things don't change, so I do feel better with that. The biggest problem with staying elsewhere is money. We have paid for the house already, and money is already tight.. so we can't really go to a hotel. Oh, DH said he wouldn't be sad if we just stayed home.. LOL... he doesn't want to deal with my family! Unfortunately, I am maid of honor for my sister, and she's the only one willing to go allergy free for us, so I'm not going to let her down. So, we are going to go, with the backup plan of staying with my mom.. and we will never. NEVER stay with my family again!

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DD: 11/19/08 allergy to eggs and peanuts

Well, you've learned a lesson and thankfully, your daughter is too young to appreciate that her relatives would put a pb&j sandwich over her health.

Let's hope that they come to a better understanding of allergies in the coming years.

Focus on your sister and the wedding and try to have a wonderful time-at least you have a few members who get it enough to be careful.

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Moderator
Daughter: asthma, allergies to egg, milk, peanuts, tree nuts, most legumes (not soy) & penicillin. Developing hayfever type allergies.
Husband: no allergies
Me: allergies to some tree that flowers in May
Cat: allergic to beef, pork and lamb

I will not stay with family, or even have family stay here if they don't 'get it'. If you still want to go, I would definintely find my own accom and not have meals with them. But you may not want to take advice from me, since I'm seen as 'difficult and stand offish' when it comes to family gatherings (sorry, but my kids safety comes before having EVERYONE together for everything.).

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DSs 7,7,9 all PA

Becky.. I agree.. my daughter's safety comes above everything.. which is why the issue here.. I'm usually the pleaser... I don't ruffle feathers, but this is important to me.. and probably why it's being met with such resistance.. but I refuse to back down in this case. I think we, as parents, have the responsibility to stand up for our little ones, until they have the voice to do it themselves!

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DD: 11/19/08 allergy to eggs and peanuts

I recommend asking them to read these articles. The first is about a boy who died from using the same remote control that his father used. The father was eating nuts at the time. The boy did not ingest any nuts. The 2nd one is a Readers Digest article and has several examples of people having anaphylaxis from contact ingestion (touching allergens and then touching eyes, nose or face) and the 3rd is the story of a British teen who lightly kissed her boyfriend on the lips who had eaten nut cereal an hour before. She had serious anaphylaxis.

http://www.allergymoms.com/modules/word ... .php?p=509

http://www.rd.com/living-healthy/when-f ... 26968.html

http://www.metro.co.uk/news/834428-teen ... -by-a-kiss

Also, your sister seems to think the epi is like cold medicine. The thing is, epis are not a guarantee of survival. You might have a 7 hour stay in the hospital but there is a much worse possibility of being in that house. I'm sorry but it is a fact that they could accidentally kill your child.

I know money is tight. Your daughter is too important to have her around them. I would keep her far away from all of them and stay with your mother. I would not let them hug or kiss her after they have eaten, either. This is a deal breaker issue for me. If someone might kill my child I'm not allowing them around my child, you know? I know it sounds like your family doesn't get it so they may come around later but for now you must protect her from them.

I hope the articles help. Good luck!

I understand frustrating family members, both blood and in-law.

About 5 or 6 years ago my mother-in-law insisted she would serve peas with the fish we were having for dinner because one of the guests "just had to have peas with fish". She knew of my allergy, having seen it in action when I had her vegetarian chili that had chick peas in it (my bad, I shouldn't have listened to her when she told me chick peas were in a different family from green peas). My husband and I tried to reason with her, explaining about cross-contamination during food prep and serving, but she was adamant that peas would be served. So we informed her we weren't going, that we would eat our own meal, prepared in our own cottage, and we would join them later on in the evening. Yeah, that went over so well. The long and the short of it is we left. Packed up our things, the kids, and left. And it was six months before we spoke to them again.

As my husband said, "Mom, is pleasing your dinner guest's palate more important than my wife's life?"

I guess there is this thing called Karma because my father-in-law has developed ana. reaction to bee stings in the past couple of years. Since he's been rushed to hospital a few times for treatment (taking days to recover), they now have 4 or 5 EpiPens in the house, the car, etc. Amazingly enough, now when we come to visit, her kitchen is especially sanitized, the peanuts/peanut butter is moved to safety (out of the reach of children and adults) and there are no peas served with meals.

Now back to your dilemma: You have raised this serious issue with your family members specifically. I find their total disregard for your daughter's safety absolutely disgusting. I can see only two viable options: your husband stays home with your daughter and doesn't attend the wedding at all; or your daughter stays with your mom the whole time and you keep her away from your family members who are too selfish to think of her safety.

Hope you realize you're not alone!

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CracklinRosi

Allergic to peanuts, peas, cats, dust, ragweed, trees & grass (pollen season)
Toxic reaction to crustaceans.

Gertiegirl, I am curious about the wedding and any pre wedding celebrations. Are any family will to make any concessions then to keep your daughter safe. For example rehersal dinner, although your daughter would eat what food you bring for her are they willing to request a dinner or buffet have no loose nuts. Not to ask for a peanut/nut free dinner, just attempt to eliminate any loose type nut/peanut foods - salads/desserts?

I agree with CracklinRosi, no kissing. I would include that at the wedding itself. Not only due to food but don't forget about all the nuts in liquor. Here's a list we started on the forum a while back.
Frangellico (hazelnut)
Amaretto / Disarono (almond)
Nocino / Nocello (walnuts)
Kahana Royale (macadamia nut)
white chocolate liquor (nut warning) exact brand not known
Bombay Sapphire Gin. (almonds)
Sapphire and Beefeater Gins.... both distilled using almonds
Amarula (a type of Bailey's...contains tree nuts)
Southern Comfort contains tree nuts
Baileys - contains tree nuts
Kahlua - contains tree nuts
Ameretto - tree nuts.


And CrackllinRosi......Karma, not that I wish ill on anyone but sometimes it is nice to turn around and enjoy a private smirk Too bad that is what it took for your inlaws to come around, but good that in the long run they did come around!

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DD 12 yrs -no allergies
4 yr old DS - asthma/eczema Anaphylactic to Peanuts, all tree nuts, sesame , all pea/lentil legumes, gelatin.
Allergic to trees, grass,ragweed, feathers, dander, mold and dust.
Outgrew eggs, fish, shellfish