Talking Allergies

Lisa, I'm so happy for you
150 matches, wow!
I have no idea about how to introduce the allergy information (dd is only 7).

You've already mentioned your allergies. Let him ask questions and see how much he is willing to learn on his own and what questions he might ask.

I think you might want to give him some basic information like you have allergies to x,y,z and they can be life threatening so dining out can be tricky. Be positive, you've managed them all of this time so it's obviously doable.

Play up all of the skills you have developed as a result of allergies.

Teach him how to use the auto-injector before the first kiss!

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Moderator
Daughter: asthma, allergies to egg, milk, peanuts, tree nuts, most legumes (not soy) & penicillin. Developing hayfever type allergies.
Husband: no allergies
Me: allergies to some tree that flowers in May
Cat: allergic to beef, pork and lamb

LIsa, I'd missed this - that's great news. Hope things continue to go well.

I usually suggest introducing in stages, and showing by example (e.g. when at a restaurant; casually reading labels on products):

- Get him used to how you have to order dinner, the need for allergen avoidance when he's going to be with you (e.g. in my case - pls. don't eat shellfish at lunch if we're going out that evening).
- Show him the auto-injector - how it works. Be calm and collected about it. Maybe compare to a fire hydrant - not something you should have to use - but just in case, it's there. BUT explain - if you see me clearly having trouble breathing, fainting, etc. after eating: here's how to use; pls do use, then call 911.
- Cross-contamination - depends on if he's going to be cooking for you. If he's not the in-the-kitchen sort, then you've got more time before you'll need to get into that. If he wants to cook for you, then you've got to explain.

I think tone is important - the sense it's all under control. Not trying to freak you out, just something you need to know about if we're together.

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Allergic to soy, peanut, shellfish, penicillin

Great advice Susan and Gwen, thank you! He is really into cooking but also really into cooking together so it will be easy to show him by example. I like the fire hydrant example and will use it and I have a trainer at home...not afraid or embarassed to show him. He took it so easily and keeps saying, ok and I'll make sure not to eat that and I'd love to make this for you but of course I wouldn't put anything that you can't eat. I get a good vibe from him so far, especially on this front, so that's encouraging! I won't need to make it the topic of conversation all the time which is great.

Lisa, I have never looked on the dating forum ......trying not to to think ahead to more dilemas our son will face. BUT I have to say, I am SO happy for you, your new boyfriend sounds thoughtful and caring. It is touching that he is so willing to learn about your allergies in order for you both to be able enjoy meals together safely. Some men think women don't eat but us real women know meal time is all about good food.
All the best and ..AH...romance!!

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DD 12 yrs -no allergies
4 yr old DS - asthma/eczema Anaphylactic to Peanuts, all tree nuts, sesame , all pea/lentil legumes, gelatin.
Allergic to trees, grass,ragweed, feathers, dander, mold and dust.
Outgrew eggs, fish, shellfish

Thanks BC!! I do appreciate him...and totally agree with you: I DO love food and am glad he understands that that's normal haha!

I know I'm bringing up an old topic...but yes, this can be a concern for sure. Even aside from food allergies, finding someone who understands any kind of allergies can be tough if they don't have allergies themselves.

But rest assured -- there are people out there like myself, who would much rather date someone with allergies, even if those allergies manifest themselves very different from mine. Maybe it's because we can relate, but many of my closer friends have had allergies, or interestingly, were in a relationship with someone with allergies.

I had a good friend who had food allergies, and while we weren't in a relationship, we were quite close. I'm fortunate that my allergies aren't to food, but there's lots that people struggle to understand (tobacco and therefore cigarette smoke, cats, etc.). Whenever she and I went out to eat, I'd make a point of modifying my order in some way from the menu for two reasons. First, I found servers didn't make as big of a big deal if two people had a special order than if one did, but more importantly, I found if two people modified menu items, for whatever reason, the odds of them coming out correctly was better than if just one did. Maybe it was a fluke, but I thought it was an observation worth sharing.

But yes, allergies can be a roadblock in many ways. I agree wholeheartedly though -- if someone doesn't care enough to make some changes to keep you healthy, consider the allergies a blessing, as they probably pointed out a relationship that was doomed to fail anyway!

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My allergy story -- early/mid 30s male, allergic to tobacco (and cigarette smoke), grass, mold, weeds, cats, horses, cows (really!).

I agree. I was really fortunate that when I was diagnosed with allergies, I had been with my boyfriend for 2 years and when I was diagnosed with food allergies, we'd been together 2 1/2 years. He had the choice to leave if he felt my allergies were something he couldn't handle. He didn't! He's my biggest supporter and he doesn't eat shellfish if he knows he's seeing me that day. He reads the food labels with me at the grocery store and calls restaurants ahead to find out about issues like cross contamination and looks at the menus to make sure there is no shellfish or minimal shellfish on the menu. He's learned how to use my Epipen, identify symptoms of anaphylaxis and he knows everything that I carry in my emergency kit and how to use it. When you're with the right person, friend, family or partner, they won't want to do anything that can compromise your health. I've expressed concerns to my boyfriend about having children with allergies and I've asked him if he was comfortable knowing our children would be at a great risk for allergies. He told me that there's some history of diabetes on his mothers side and reminded me that we can have children that are totally healthy and what kind of couple would we be if either of us were afraid of having children because there's a risk that they are genetically predisposed to having health issues.

As for those who are concerned about having allergies and still trying to meet someone new. I encourage you to maybe try the first couple of dates in an environment where there is no food. Try ice skating, bowling, a museum, the zoo, cocktails at a lounge, coffee at a coffeeshop, movies, or a sporting event where you wouldn't have to eat the concession food if it was unsafe. These can be great first dates and help you get to know the person a little better before having to explain food allergies. And remember, no one is perfect. Everyone has a challenge they need to face. Everyone has their own baggage they have to carry....some carry it in Louis Vuitton bags and others carry it in plastic Walmart bags - nevertheless it is still baggage that we all carry.

Good luck to everyone!

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-N
Allergic to: shellfish, corn, pork, cabbage, onion, spinach, melon, black pepper, cow's milk, dust mites, general dust, ragweed and feathers
Sensitivity to: Egg whites, cinnamon, vanilla

Dd and I are starting to talk about dating and allergies now, and she's only 9!
I want her to know that caring relationships mean respecting each other and being careful not to provoke a reaction is one way to show respect.
Love the peanut or love me, but you can't have both!

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Moderator
Daughter: asthma, allergies to egg, milk, peanuts, tree nuts, most legumes (not soy) & penicillin. Developing hayfever type allergies.
Husband: no allergies
Me: allergies to some tree that flowers in May
Cat: allergic to beef, pork and lamb

It might be scary to start taking about it while your daughter is only 9, but it's really good to see that you are taking a proactive approach and teaching her about respect in healthy relationships and instilling the importance of finding a respectful and caring partner. Hopefully by the time she's ready to date, this will be so ingrained in her head that she won't settle for less! No young lady should ever have to settle for anything less than the best. Good luck Susan and keep us posted!

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-N
Allergic to: shellfish, corn, pork, cabbage, onion, spinach, melon, black pepper, cow's milk, dust mites, general dust, ragweed and feathers
Sensitivity to: Egg whites, cinnamon, vanilla

I can't say much, cause of the age and she sometimes comes on this forum too. (she's mentioned there should be a forum just for kids) Soooo...I'll just say we talked a lot - both of us are talkers - big time - and I think that's the best way. As she has had reactions not long ago, she is well aware of the severity and that's a blessing in disguise in some ways.
I find that her friends are the best!! Including the "her boy" as I affectionatly call him. They have been friends for a long time and been dating for about a year and a half. Maybe some moms wouldn't like their daughter to be dating at all at this age, but as with most things, you just do what works best for your family and lucky me - she makes really good decisions.

Michele

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Myself - Seasonal, cats
dd-asthma (trigger - flu) anaphylactic to eggs, severe allergies to bugspray and penicilin,pulmicort
ds-Seasonal, cats and OAS
dh-allergy cats, bugspray and guava, outgrew egg allergy

AB Advocate I have a teen of the same age with a one yr. "relationship" as long as they remember they are "friends" and not getting ahead of themselves or losing themselves I see no problem. I met my husband at 14 and we were dating at 15. He accepted my allergies and worked around the asthma....(dated 9 years before wed)
So you may be talking about your future son-in law!
If you find the right guy allergies won't be an issue, I am sure you will have something to accept about him even if it does not seem as out there as allergies.
(ya we all have baggage)

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Me-Allergic to Peanut, Tree Nut, Coconut, Shellfish, ASA and Asthma
My Husband and Children No Allergies

Alberta Advocate- there is a forum for teens http://www.whyriskit.ca/pages/en/home.php
It's maintained and operated by Anaphylaxis Canada and Kyle Dine leads the Youth Advisory Panel.
Have your daughter check it out!

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Moderator
Daughter: asthma, allergies to egg, milk, peanuts, tree nuts, most legumes (not soy) & penicillin. Developing hayfever type allergies.
Husband: no allergies
Me: allergies to some tree that flowers in May
Cat: allergic to beef, pork and lamb

Thanks Susan. She's been. I think she means more of a chat thing like this. Maybe I'll get her to think about a thread here.

Michele

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Myself - Seasonal, cats
dd-asthma (trigger - flu) anaphylactic to eggs, severe allergies to bugspray and penicilin,pulmicort
ds-Seasonal, cats and OAS
dh-allergy cats, bugspray and guava, outgrew egg allergy