Talking Allergies

MIL strikes again.

So my MIL shows up today to bring a few christmas gifts that were left at her house that were for our family. She set them down and was going to go downstairs to see my daughters. I said "we need to talk first". I was really nice and calm about it. I said "On Christmas Eve, when you brought the kids presents, after you left they both had allergic reactions where you had kissed them. I'm not sure if it was something you ate (keep in mind I know from other family that she was eating nuts, and said that I need to deal with it ), or nut oil in cosmetics, but for some reason they both reacted. For my oldest it needed to be nuts." She said that she had not eaten anything all day which is a lie because my SIL was there and saw her eat a large supper and nutty treats. I continued "I am not trying to blame you here, the little one has had reactions to playdoh, so maybe it is fragrance or lecithin in lipstick which is egg, but she reacts 80% of the time you come over to see her...and reactions do not happen often at all. We have a house rule that everyone is to wash their hands when coming over, and to not kiss the kids. Everyone eats foods that they are allergic to and it is not safe to be kissing them after." She went to wash, I invited her to come downstairs when she was done, my oldest was calling for her to come play, and needed help in the bathroom so I went down to help her expecting that my MIL would follow.

A few minutes later, my daughter was wondering where grandma was and I went upstairs to see her car pulling away! My daughter burst into tears! She was so upset that her grandma left without even saying hello to her. I phoned my husband who was out of town, told him the story, and he left a message on her voice mail saying that "you have a four year old granddaughter that you owe an appology to".

My inlaws have never met me and don't want anything to do with me. Everytime I hear your stories, I think my situation is a blessing. If my MIL was like yours, I would put her in her place really fast and my gf knows it. I have no patience or tolerance for stupidity, no matter who you are. I'm no longer speaking to my uncle (my mother's brother) because he's an huh and an idiot. I told him off and to stick it where the sun does not shine. Life is too short to tolerate idiots like that in our lives. You don't need that and neither do your children. I'm sorry you have to put up with it. I admire your patience and courage because I certainly would have ended that long ago.

I got a phone call last week ( I have been stewing a while )from SIL that MIL left my house went to her work place and cried for 2 hours about how "I won't let her be a grandma to HER grandkids". Husbands other brother came to help console her and everyone was mad at me. MIL said "I won't allow her to cook meals for them, bring them "treats", take them to mcdonalds, and I won't even let her kiss them" so continued to add that "I won't let her be santa, and I would not allow her in the delivery room when the kids were born." Hello...that was private moment! Only my husband and necessary medical personal were there. Also said that "her son (my husband) has severe allergies and asthma and she never changed anything to accomidate him, and never let it control her life" I might add that he was continuously hospitalized for asthma (hello you have a dog with a child allergic to dogs and you smoke in the house), and went into anaphylactic shock so many times that no one actually has an accurate idea of all of the occassions.

At least I managed to bring the rest of the family back to reality that you can be a grandparent with out feeding them or covering them with their allergens...I mean buy some stickers and markers and do a craft with them, after you wash your hands and keep your filthy lips off! I am so done with this woman!

Boohoo! 2 hours of tears is nothing to a lifetime of grief if she was the one to cause a fatal anaphylaxic reaction!
She should be glad that you allow her to speak to them over the phone. It really is all about her isn't it? How she .

I've just encountered my first 'ignorant people' issue. It could just be that I'm being extra sensitive now that the reality of my daughter's peanut allergy has sunk in. My daughter was invited to a sleepover...as we were packing her stuff...including her ton of regular inhalers and her 'emergency' inhalers and medicines...she got upset saying that nobody else in her class needs to take all this medicine. I felt so bad for her. Anyway, we go to the house where she's having the sleepover and the mother volunteers at the school for the 'snack club'. She's telling me that another mother there was talking to her saying that my daughter isn't really allergy to peanuts. She went on to tell her all about how a skin test does not necessarily mean that someone is allergic to something. I guess she's an expert on these things given that none of her children have allergies!! She wasn't around to see my daughter vomit or scratch her skin off.
Then I start thinking more about this...hopefully she hasn't told her daughter this because if my daughter gets wind of this she might get her hopes up that she's not really allergic to peanuts.
UGH. People are so frustrating.

How well do you know this other mother? I think it's worth a friendly discussion explaining what you heard, ask her if it is in fact what she said and then offer some educated information about your child's allergy. Add that if she ever has any questions or comments about your child's allergy in the future, that you'd appreciate her talking directly to you. Tell her your concerns about your daughter hearing this misinformation (as it pertains to your daughter's situation) and what the possible consequences could be. It sounds as though your daughter is old enough to have a dialogue with you -- I'd talk to her about the facts as it pertains to her allergy and if ever she hears conflicting information about her allergy in the future, she'll know to talk to you about it.

I think it's amazing how some people believe that parents of allergic kids, as a group, are all hysterical regarding their kids. Members of my own family treated my son's peanut allergy lightly until I described, in detail, the reaction that sent him to hospital - everything from the swelling lips, projectile vomitting, total body hives to the moment he started to turn blue. Let me at that woman for five minutes! Oh, and by the way, his skin test was positive - go figure!

The mother of one of my roommates at a U of T residence told me that she had thought that the nut allergy thing was just all paranoia until her niece/nephew (can't remember which) went into anaphylactic shock in her presence. I could hardly believe that she would have been so unsupportive up until that point.

Hey all,

I have the allergies, not my child. But my SIL showed the "day after" photo from when my nephew had his first peanut reaction. WOW! I already was a "believer" and I was still shocked.

Of course, you don't sit around hoping for a reaction, but documentation doesn't hurt to have for future problems with the school either. Anytime someone doesn't believe it....a picture is worth a thousand words.

Daisy

That's a good idea---I would have never thought of that.

I do agree with Ethansmom that you will need to have a discussion about allergies and conflicting facts with your daughter and soon. Kids at school can be mean, but they can also simply be stupid... and so can adults. If they hear their parents talk about how stupid allergies are (that's the way it is, we can't deny it), the kids might repeat it to your kid and place a large doubt in her mind. "My mom said your mom is paranoid and you are not really allergic... here, have some peanuts!". Peer pressure is something she will have to face in life and you'd better start getting her ready for it before the teenage years. You could be surprised of how easily a thought can be changed because of peer pressure... even when it comes to life and death.

Mylène

Currently, I am quite annoyed . It has been almost 2 months since I very nicely told my MIL that she has to wash when coming over, and not kiss my kids. She stormed out of my house and we have not spoken since. My youngest daughters birthday is saturday, and neither my husband or I can "get a hold of" anyone in his family to invite them. No one answers their phones, and does not return phone calls even though I know they have call display. MIL turned my "asking her to wash and not cover with allergens via kissing" into the entire family being pissed at us for the "great injustice" we have done to my MIL. so, it looks like no cousins will be at the party. I am so pissed off that MIL is such a self centred *beep* that she treats my kids like crap and manages to tell an ignorant one sided version of why I do not attend family get togethers to all the other family and get them pissed at us.

It is also not fair to myself and my kids that a few days before my daughters 3 rd birthday party I feel this angry inside.

As I write this I decided to phone her to see if she is planning on showing up. I do not feel like "having it out" infront of the kids during the party. The phone rang once, it sounded like someone picked it up, and hung up. I am raging.

Saskmommyof2 - may seem trivial and I'm not sure if you're willing to play there games - but can you block your number? I know in Ontario you can dial *69 and then the number and your number doesn't show up on call display. But perhaps they'll answer their phone?

My suggestion is that she is cearly in control here and you need to end that. She has call display. She knows you are trying to call her. The more you try the greater her sense if control and satisfaction.
Plan something fun for the girls, a party with their friends perhaps.
Don't discuss MIL with other famiy members. Just say there was a falling out (neutral) and change the subject.
This is a bitter twisted woman who gets off in controlling the lives of those around her, why would you want her in your life when all she does is cause stress and grief?

Saskmommyof2, I have been where you are right now, consumed with anger at relatives who just don't get it and who think they know more about your daughter and her allergies than you do. I have a 3 1/2 year old daughter who is severely milk and egg-allergic, and a 16 month old son who has shown no evidence of food allergies yet and was tested (negative) at a year old. both my kids first birthday parties were big (35+ guests) family affairs with "all the fixin's". I was so worked up thinking about my son's birthday party that I almost cancelled it. So what I did before my son's birthday party, and what I think you would find helpful, was to write a letter and send it to everyone who you would ever invite to your home for these types of occasions, and explain your rules and the reasons for them. You don't need to apologize for them and you don't need to point any fingers of name any names wrt to previous bad behavior from your MIL. I simply wrote a note that went in each family members invitation, even the ones who were already very good about the situation, just so everyone got the same info and no one felt that they were having the finger of blame pointed at them. In my letter I stated that at this and all future family gatherings at my house, I would be providing all of the food. I said that in the past I have appreciated everyone's contributions and I know everyone likes to help out by contributing something, but that we as a family (husband and I) are striving to keep our home as safe and (my daughter)-friendly as possible in the interest of her safety and her feeling of "home" (what defines home better than "the place where you are most comfortable and safe"). I stated that if anyone absolutely had to bring something to satisfy their own need of being helpful, then they would have to call me first to ok what it was, what brand, etc. This went over very well (at least I didn't hear any direct or indirect complaints about it . I found writing the letter to be very therapeutic for me, it put everything out there on the same line for everyone. It was up to them to either respect our decision or stay home. If they choose the latter, that is their choice Saskmommyof2 and you can't hold yourself responsible for the choices your in-laws make. It is no different then someone with asthma not allowing you to smoke in their home. No one would fault the asthmatic for that.

Hope you find the letter idea helpful.