Talking Allergies

I worry that our daughter might carry a lot of anxiety and not realy have the words yet to tak about it.
She knows that she could possibly die if she ate any foods which contained egg or mik. She knows that she can get hives from skin contact. She knows that she might outgrow her allergies. She knows that Mommy and Daddy read all ingredients, contact companies by e-mail or telephone to make absoutely sure they are safe. She knows that we can make almost anyfood ourselves and that she has the right to refuse food or drinks from anyone including Mommy and Daddy.
Still there is that feeling that her word is not safe. I wish there was something that I could do for her.

I think it is really normal to take on guilt about anything that's wrong with your kid. I read a good article recently that was about how women who ate peanuts during their pregnancy were guilt ridden about perhaps creating allergic children, and the allergist replied that allergies to cats were also on the rise and he did not think it was caused by more women eating cats!!

My son is very anxious about his peanut allergy now and he is 8 years old. We have taken him to specialists and all they could offer us was that his anxiousness was normal given his circumstances. Which makes sense, but it's so difficult to deal with. He's a kid, he's supposed to be carefree and worry free. I am going to try to find other resources to help deal with this.

when he was very small we would always say to him "don't eat peanuts or you'll die". then when he was three, he was given peanuts and I realized that was a mistake, cos he din't die, but he was terrified that he was going to. Now we say, if you eat peanut, you have the epipen and you go to the hospital.

I tell my oldest daughter " peanuts will make you sick. You could throw up ( she HATES throwing up), get itchy and have to use your epi pen and go to the hospital. If you are having a lot of fun (like at a birthday party) and accidently eat them...you will get sick and miss out on the fun."

We have not had the "death" talk with her yet. No one we know has died recently, and I don't know how to explain it to her. For now, the "miss out on the fun" line works great.

I just tell our daughter that eating foods she's allergic to will make her very sick and she might have to get a shot in the thigh and go to the hospital and that it's boring at the hospital.
Once we sat there for 8 hours (as per our allergist-by the way every dr tes me a different story from 2 hours, 4 hours or no need to wait if yu get a shot of prednisone
Yesterday whie at the grocery check out she put her mouth on the meta strip just in front of the conveyor belt. The cashier must have thought the my husband over reacted -major time out! Until I told her about the food allergies (not to mention raw chicken or getting your lip caught in the belt.
Just when you think the chid gets it they find a new way to come in contact with the allergen.

It's been years since my allergies and I still manage to find new ways to come in contact with my allergens... it's like the saying "never stop learning"...

Susan, i just read your post from last October and I felt like I could have written it. My daughter is almost 4 and I have that same feeling that she has anxiety and doesn't completely trust anyone, including me, when it comes to accepting food. I mean I have taught her to always check with Mommy or Daddy and never to accept food that we haven't ok'd, but lately I find she won't even accept food that I have assured her over and over again are safe. And she refuses to try any new foods whatsoever. I am in a bit of emotional turmoil right now, with her allergies and now the recent diagnosis of my 18 month old son of "failure to thrive" (not really a diagnosis, just a syndrome) for which the cause hasn't yet been determined. Anyway lately my daughter cries everytime I go to work and take them to the sitter's, where she used to love to go. She begs me not to go to work. (I only work 2 days one week and 3 the next). I don't know if this is related to her allergies and a feeling of being unsafe or what. It's not just normal separation anxiety, where they're fine 5 seconds after I"m out of sight. She actually sat on the babysitter's couch for 3 hours yesterday morning and would not interact with any of the other children or her. Today she told the babysitter several times that she missed me and spent most of the day very quiet and sad with a few breakdowns. I am seriously considering quitting my job to stay home at least until they're in school, but financially that will be very difficult. Ultimately we will do whatever it takes keep our kids happy and healthy but my mental health is better when I work part-time and that is also an important part of keeping happy kids. Anyway everyday I am in constant turmoil over what to do. My sitter kind've made me feel like I baby her too much and told me I should "tough it out". My husband will support whatever decision I make but he fears that quitting my job to please my daughter will teach her that she can get whatever she wants by crying (we pulled her out of preschool last fall because she was so upset about going, but that started following a severe allergic reaction on her first day of school). Any comments/suggestions/advice any working moms or stay-at-home moms out there??? I need guidance. One side of me says stay home, 5 years from now it won't matter and I won't look back and regret missing this time with my kids, but the other side says it's only half the time most mothers work and it allows us to do a lot of things we enjoy that cost money (camping, activites at the Y, etc.) and keeps me a bit saner! WHat do you guys think?

justonemom,



This comment really bothers me. Something must be different at the babysitters. Has she started watching new children? Is there a different situation at the babysitters? Stress?

I can understand why your sitter would say you baby her too much. I am around many kids and yes many of them are babied way too much but for a child to react so upset there must be a reason.

One of my daughters keeps everything in and when I notice something off with her behaviour I tuck her in her bed, shut the light and will cuddle with her for a while. I will ask her something like did you like the lunch I gave you for school today? and then I will slowly bring up what I think is bothering her. You may want to try this with your daughter then slowly bring up the topic of the babysitter and ask her if something is happening there that is bothering her etc. You will be amazed with what they tell you in the dark and their feeling safe.

My children are extremely attached to their father and would be extremely upset when he left for work so I would give them a photo of him to hold . This made them feel so much better. It also worked well for my niece when she was 2 1/2 she was in hospital for a very long time so I made a photo albumn of the entire family. and she would look at it constantly she is now 9yrs old and still has it. My 12 yr old also likes to take my husbands pillow when we go out of town or she is going to a sleep over. (she says it smells like him) so maybe if you give her something that belongs to you or spray on some of your perfume she may feel better.

My PA son actually stopped eating for a while. I would tell him about not eating peanuts etc. Then one day he asked me "What will happen if I do eat peanuts?" when I told him if he ate peanuts there is a possibility he could die He actually stopped eating. I tried talking to him about the food groups etc. and he had to eat or he could get very sick. (Didn't want to use you could die again) I finally took him to the doctors and the Dr. went on line and printed out a copy of the food group chart for him to put on our fridge this also helped a great deal.

I truly hope that this is of some help. But I'm sure if you talk to her you may just get some answers. If not just follow your gut most mothers instincts are correct.

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Sil

justonemom -- I think it's important to know that first off, you're doing the best you can and try not to be too hard on yourself. Your family is going through stress right now with your daughter's allergies and your son's diagnosis and inability to figure out the source of the problem. I know when Ethan has some new reaction or physical ailment, I don't feel "settled" or "at peace" until I have figured out the cause (or what I at least believe to be the cause...). Children are super sensitive to their envrionments and can pick up (even without words) the stress that mommy and daddy are going through, even if to us we feel like routines are the same and we're careful not to discuss things in front of them. Our family went through a stressful period and my son began stuttering (which corrected itself once the household stress diminished). I think it's common to think that because our kids our young, they're unable to connect to real life situations and stress - but that just isn't true. You're kids are lucky to have a mom who is so concerned and focused on their happiness and well-being - but you too need to focus on your happiness and well-being. If you feel that working a couple of days a week gives you sanity and helps you feel more like a whole person, I think it's important that you don't deny yourself this. An unhappy mom, makes for unhappy kids. As for other's opinions on how you handle the situation (i.e. your babysitter's feelings that you "baby" her) I don't give too much credit to this -- don't forget that everyone has different parenting styles and beliefs - what's important here is what you think - if you think that this is something that you need to look at, then do so. Others can offer suggestions and provide insight into your situation that you might not have considered before which is great -- but ultimately, she's your child and you have to go with your gut. Once you have ruled out tangible causes to your daughter's behaviour change, (Sil brings up some good points about changes at the babysitters, etc.) try also to be mindful of your stress levels and the anxiety you're feeling (easier said than done, I know) but I'm sure that if you can do this, your daughter's stress levels will also diminish. I wish you the best.

I opened up my own daycare and it was the greatest thing I ever did. I had so much fun and I got to be at home with my kids and I made $, too, it was awesome. I would have made about $7/day after I paid to have 2 kids in childcare. Could working from home be another option for you? This is only an idea, you have to do what is right for your family, but for me and my family it was the BEST BEST BEST thing I ever did. I had some really bad (very long days with many runny noses) days too, let me tell you, but overall it was great, which I never expected...I expected to HATE it, but I was willing to sacrifice myself What about working opposite shifts to your husband. Some people do that. These are just ideas, you have to figure out what will work best for your family,

My son has major anxiety too.

Pam, i ran a home day care prior to having kids. I am just a kid person. I loved it. I thought of the idea for justonemom too. Having kids arrive at your home at a certain time, forces you to get up and get ready for the day. Something I know a lot of SAHM have trouble with. The "why get up early, shower, get dressed, if I have no where to go" that can cause a person to feel not like yourself as a SAHM.

Currently I am a stay at home mom. Sometimes I watch my friends kids who have allergies (peanuts, nuts, milk, eggs) when their regular sitter is unavailable. I was asked to be their regular sitter long ago, but we were busy running all over with preschool at the time. Now we homeschool and it would be tough to have other kids here on a regular basis. The kids have friends who are "the same as them" and can be social without being "different". Perhaps, justonemom, if the idea works for you, you could adverstise (or mention to your allergist) and get in touch with a parent of a food allergic child or two, with the same allergies as your child (milk, eggs...right?) who would fit right in in your home. I am sure finding care for an allergic child is quite challenging, and having a sitter with kids with the same allergies would be quite helpful. It is also beneficial to the kids to know they are not the only one.

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DD age 9 1/2 -peanuts, nuts,
DD age 7 1/2 - milk, eggs, chicken, peanuts, treenuts, cats, dogs,
DS age 2 1/2
Husband- asthma, eggs, treenuts, fish, shellfish environmental
Self - penicillan, eurithromiacin, mild laytex allergy.

I think one huge benefit of running a daycare and having a kid with LTA's was that by the time he entered school, everyone already knew about his allergy, cos he had gone to the school 3 times a day to pick up/drop off other kids, so he had lots of community support. Everyone really helped me to keep him safe, and took the policy seriously.

I have been thinking about this for awhile, and while I realize it won't help younger children so much, I thought I'd mention that the Canadian Red Cross has some downloadable "courses" for kids 7-8, 10-11, and 12-13. (I guess 9-year-olds will have to decide which one they should do!)

More info is available at http://www.redcross.ca/article.asp?id=009896&tid=025.

I have been toying with the idea of "hosting" this kind of course for the kids in my local support group. Another mom that I know used the course for her son, and he was actually able to use his new skills when his dad collapsed at home and there was no one else around. The child was only 8, I think, and he kept his cool in the emergency and managed to get his dad help -- thanks to this course.

I think it would help give the kids a better sense of control if they had basic skills on how to respond in an emergency.

I plan on using my 7-year-old as a guinea pig one day soon. I'll let you know what I think of the activity booklet.

K.

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Karen, proud Mom of
- DS1 (12 yrs): allergic to cashews, pistachios, Brazil nuts, potatoes, some legumes, some fish, pumpkin seeds; OAS
- DS2 (1o yrs): ana. to dairy, eggs, peanuts; asthma

justonemom,

Has anything come of your child crying at the babysitter? I have been thinking of her lately. wondering if it was just a stage or if she is still upset when you leave her.
Were you able to talk to her and find anything out?

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Sil

Hi Sil! I realize it is almost a full year since you asked, but yes, much came of my daughter's babysitter anxiety. (it's taken a year to reply as our computer broke down last summer and we just got back online now. I was just reviewing some of the old discussions I had posted in and just read your question now). Anyway, one thing that has rung true over and over in the last year for me is that you should always trust your kids' signals. Not long after my last post (i.e early last May), our babysitter shares the news that she and her husband have split up. I had never dreamed this was going to happen. (It had actually happened a week before she told us). Anyway, this resulted in a lot of turmoil in her home - it was not a friendly breakup (is there such a thing?) and there were many meetings with lawyers, etc. which resulted in many last minute cancellations (actually, she never cancelled; she had friends/relatives whom I didn't know coming to relieve her of babysitting so she could go these appts. Some of the mothers were fine with this but I was not about to leave my kids with anyone I'd never met so I had to do a lot of last minute rescheduling of my work (I'm a health care professional with clients, whose appts. with me had to then be rescheduled). Needless to say it was a less than desirable situation so I was very happy when our "date" (evening) babysitter finished her school year at college and was available to babysit in our home for about a month until she started a different job. Then I made the decision to stay home until I got the stress level in our home down to a tolerable level. I still worked 2 evenings a week, basicallly met my husband in the driveway - he on his way home, me on my way out). and also babysat 3 other kids for parts of July and August. My kids benefitted greatly from this; my greatest compliment came from a friend who I don't see often; she brought her son over for a playdate and commented that it was the happiest she'd seen my daughter in months. We also got my son's health issues addressed and at least partially solved his problems by finally getting ear tubes placed last July (at the age of 21 months. He had had about 12-14 ear infections at that point, starting at the age of 6 weeks). He still has food aversion (he has reflux) but his health has improved dramatically since the tubes were done. So by the end of the summer things were much better for them, and we were financially drained, so I returned to work 2 days per week. The kids are with a new sitter whom they love and life is better. Thanks for your concern!