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 Post subject: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2005 6:02 pm 
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Joined: Sat Mar 05, 2005 7:06 pm
Posts: 39
Location: Winnipeg, MB, canada
Here's a joke for you all ...... enjoy! haha

Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors???





Because, if it had 4 then it would be a sedan!


hahahhaha ... (i know..... GROAN!!)
:D


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 11:37 pm 
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Joined: Thu Aug 11, 2005 6:48 pm
Posts: 614
Location: Ontario, Canada / Cambridge, UK
I thought this was pretty funny! :D

Image


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Jan 25, 2006 12:50 am 
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Joined: Thu Sep 22, 2005 11:39 pm
Posts: 1141
Location: saskatchewan, canada
It was funny...and impressive! I am jealous of your skills with the computer...how did you post a picture?


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Jan 25, 2006 10:58 am 
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Joined: Thu Aug 11, 2005 6:48 pm
Posts: 614
Location: Ontario, Canada / Cambridge, UK
saskmommyof2 wrote:
It was funny...and impressive! I am jealous of your skills with the computer...how did you post a picture?


Thanks! It's a tiny bit complicated but entirely possible if you have the tools.

If it's a photo that's already on the web, chances are it can be linked. But if it can't or if it's your own photo (from your digital camera, for example), you have to host it first. There are some free hosting sites, such as http://tinypic.com

If you find a photo on a website, right-click on it and then click on "properties". You will see "Address (URL)". Copy that address and paste it between the "image" codes in your message. The codes are found in the yellow boxes in the message you are writing (under "subject"). Click on "Img". Then paste the address (URL) next to it. Then click on "Img" again. Make sure there are no spaces between the "img" codes and the URL.

If you are using a hosting site, it will give you the URL once you upload your photo. Copy and paste the URL between the "Img" codes, as stated above. I think the tinypic hosting site has a size limit so if the photo is over a certain amount of KB, you will have the reduce the size... and you will need a program to do that.

You can also open an account in Photobucket. I don't think there's a size limit per photo (only per account). It's free to open the account.

http://www.photobucket.com


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Jan 25, 2006 11:10 am 
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Joined: Thu Sep 22, 2005 11:39 pm
Posts: 1141
Location: saskatchewan, canada
Thanks. I'll try to figure that out.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 12:21 pm 
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Joined: Mon Mar 20, 2006 3:03 pm
Posts: 105
Location: Coquitlam
Another Reason not to Eat Peanuts

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she
hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little
old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.
[/i][/b]


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Apr 26, 2006 6:03 am 
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Joined: Thu Aug 11, 2005 6:48 pm
Posts: 614
Location: Ontario, Canada / Cambridge, UK
Image

_________________
16-year-old son: peanuts, nuts, raw egg whites, asthmatic
Self: allergic rhinitis, fragrance/chemical sensitivities, oral allergy syndrome


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 26, 2006 9:58 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 03, 2005 9:38 pm
Posts: 1643
Location: Toronto
Subject: Tim Hortons Rules of Engagement




Tim Hortons Rules of Engagement...Follow them or be shot.

The following is the OFFICIAL RULES OF ENGAGEMENT for Tim Horton's. Please
feel free to pass them along so that we can make the world a better place.


1) When you enter a Tim Hortons and see a line to one side of the restaurant
that DOES NOT mean that you can start another line on the other side.

PENALTY: TOO MANY LINES. People guilty of this infraction must buy coffee for
everyone in the original line.



2) If you cannot see the donut you want available in the display you CANNOT
ask for it since the server will then go into the back and eventually return
and tell you that - guess what - they don't have it!

PENALTY: DELAY OF GAME. People guilty of this infraction must return to the
end of the line.



3) The Drive-Thru is for ordering coffee and donuts ONLY. If you need to
order a sandwich or soup get out of your car and go inside you lazy slob! It
takes too long and they'll probably get your order wrong any ways so save
some greenhouse emissions and remember - NO ORDERING FOOD IN THE DRIVE-THRU!

PENALTY: OVER ORDERING. People guilty of this infraction will have their
tires deflated on the spot.



4) Cleaning of the Hot Chocolate and Flavoured Coffee machines is FORBIDDEN
during times where there are actually customers in the store. What kind of
business takes a product off-line in the middle of the day?!

PENALTY: UNNECESSARY CLEANLINESS. Staff guilty of this infraction will be
forced to eat hot, spicy food, then placed in restraints just out of the
reach of a nice cool glass of water for a hour.




5) Placing the lids on the "to-go" cups so that the drink opening lines up
with the crease in the cup is a crime against humanity since it has the same
effect as gag dribble-cups. Plus, exactly how hard is it to miss that crease
when placing the lid on any ways? Yet it seems to happen more than
50% of the time.

PENALTY: ILLEGAL LID ON THE CREASE. Staff guilty of this must floss with
barbed wire for a week.



6) Franchise owners who open up a store with a Drive-Thru that can't handle
at least ten cars in line are a traffic menace. Caffeine addiction is a
scary thing that will cause people to stop dead on busy streets just to keep
a position in line at the Drive-Thru.

PENALTY: INTERFERENCE. Owners guilty of this infraction will be forced to
order their meals via the empty Wendy's Drive-Thru next door for a month.



7) Going on a coffee run to Tim's for five or more people is a non-starter.
Firstly, you'll never remember what everyone ordered correctly. Secondly,
you don't have a hope in hell of carrying that stuff back out to your car.
Lastly, it will take too long!!! That nice person behind you in line was
under the impression that you were just going to order your coffee and go.
BUT NO, you have to take 5-10 minutes of our lives while your botch the
order then juggle the cups back to your vehicle. Get some backbone - force
others to come with you. No more than two orders per person thank you!

PENALTY: OVER TWO MINUTE WARNING. People guilty of this infraction will be
forced to drink ALL of the coffee they have ordered and eat ALL the food.
Doing this same infraction via the Drive-Thru = public flogging.



8) During Roll-Up-The-Rim-To-Win time all cups left unattended and unrolled
for more than one minute are free game to anyone else. Since we know that
all the really good prizes are only meant for people in Ontario we've only
got a limited shot at anything decent so watch your cups!

PENALTY: INELIGIBLE ROLLER. People guilty of this infraction must forfeit any prizes
won past or present to the new roller.



9) Staff who fail to recognize that you are a creature of habit and order
the same thing everyday for over a year at the same Tim Horton's and still
meet you with blank stares and an indifferent "What can I get you?" are
inflicting an inhuman mental torture. Isn't that what the commercials are
all about? Where are the smiles and a hearty "The usual, Bob?"

PENALTY: INCOMPLETE RECOGNITION. Staff guilty of this infraction must be
subjected to proof of identify and a strip search every time they try to pick up their
pay check.



10) Showing up at you son/daughters hockey game with a coffee from another
outlet than Tim Horton's is VERBOTEN! What are you - some kind of
troublemaker? Don't you know the way we do things around here?

PENALTY: ILLEGAL COFFEE. People guilty of this must clean the ice with their
tongues between periods


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat May 20, 2006 3:19 am 
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Joined: Mon Mar 20, 2006 3:03 pm
Posts: 105
Location: Coquitlam
I OWE MY MOTHER...

(Not sure about you but my Mom taught me all of these)

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL..
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful
parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18.My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop ! crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

_________________
Sil


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 Post subject: Exercises for Seniors
PostPosted: Tue May 30, 2006 11:17 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 03, 2005 9:38 pm
Posts: 1643
Location: Toronto
Got this from my father-in-law, who is in his seventies.

**********

I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle
strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd
pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by
standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at
each side.

With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out
from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach
a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold
this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb.
potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a
100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more
than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the
sacks.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue May 30, 2006 2:48 pm 
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Joined: Sat Apr 16, 2005 12:09 am
Posts: 1054
ha! :lol:


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jun 01, 2006 3:48 pm 
Offline

Joined: Thu Aug 11, 2005 6:48 pm
Posts: 614
Location: Ontario, Canada / Cambridge, UK
Image

_________________
16-year-old son: peanuts, nuts, raw egg whites, asthmatic
Self: allergic rhinitis, fragrance/chemical sensitivities, oral allergy syndrome


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jun 02, 2006 10:01 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 03, 2005 9:38 pm
Posts: 1643
Location: Toronto
NOTE: This one will make all you technologically challenged people feel SO GOOD.

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary, so, he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed it to her and explained all of it's features.
Susie was very excited to receive the gift and simply adored it.
The next day, she went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end!
"Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie," asked her husband?
She said, "How did you know I was at Walmart?"


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jun 02, 2006 10:23 am 
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Joined: Thu Aug 11, 2005 6:48 pm
Posts: 614
Location: Ontario, Canada / Cambridge, UK
Image Good one, AnnaMarie!

_________________
16-year-old son: peanuts, nuts, raw egg whites, asthmatic
Self: allergic rhinitis, fragrance/chemical sensitivities, oral allergy syndrome


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 02, 2006 1:03 pm 
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Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2005 4:04 pm
Posts: 2044
Location: Gatineau, Quebec
That potato joke is hilarious, AM!!

I will have to forward it to my parents, who are both approaching 70.

K.

_________________
Karen, proud Mom of
- DS1 (12 yrs): allergic to cashews, pistachios, Brazil nuts, potatoes, some legumes, some fish, pumpkin seeds; OAS
- DS2 (1o yrs): ana. to dairy, eggs, peanuts; asthma


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