In retrospect, Becker knows the reaction could have been far worse, and she’s thankful it wasn’t. Still, she wonders whether her in-laws were actually checking to see if her child’s allergy was real. “To this day, I believe he gave it to him to test whether I was making the whole allergy up,” she says, adding that after the incident, the in-laws took the allergy far more seriously. “It was strange, because I now had ‘proof’ of my son’s allergy, so I felt more comfortable making special requests and inquiring about ingredients.”

For 14 years, Rachel O’Neill* has tried to get her mother-in-law to understand. O’Neill, who lives in Ottawa, has explained again and again that her allergies to tree nuts and peanuts are a serious condition that could land her in the hospital – or worse – and that her oral allergies to carrots and celery are not the product of pickiness. Still, when she and her husband visit, O’Neill’s mother-in-law continues to dish out foods she’s allergic to, then remembers out loud that her daughter-in-law doesn’t “like” them.

O’Neill’s husband always speaks up about his wife’s allergies, and for the most part, his mother seems sympathetic enough – until it’s mealtime. “The most frustrating part is that the sympathy is there, but the follow-through is not,” explains O’Neill. “I find it exhausting that I constantly have to ask whether the food being served has nuts in it – then still can’t trust that the answers are legit.”

In Pickering, Ontario, another family was shocked to discover the source of their young son’s frequent bouts of illness was his own grandparents. In the dangerously misguided belief they were building up his tolerance, the paternal grandparents had been secretly grinding almonds into his cereal behind his parents’ backs, and it was making the child sick.

Amazingly, stories like these are not at all uncommon. Every day, adults and kids are diagnosed with food allergies or celiac disease, and they naturally expect that the people closest to them will take the most care – as they would with any serious health condition. After all, you should be able to trust your mom to keep gluten out of her gravy, and assume that, when your brother babysits your peanut-allergic daughter, he carefully reads the ingredients on that chocolate bar, right?

For too many living with food allergies and celiac disease, sadly the answer is no. In the fall of 2010, Allergic Living sent out a request for anecdotes of family experiences (both good and bad), and within days we were inundated with responses – dozens of stories about grandparents, parents, uncles, aunts, sisters, brothers and in-laws denying and ignoring their allergies, disputing them, and worse, triggering reactions that could be life-threatening.

A disturbing number told stories of disbelieving family members actually “testing” allergies or gluten intolerance by slipping the offending food into their or their children’s meals.

Not surprisingly, those telling the anecdotes feel hurt, upset and betrayed as close family relationships descend into pitched family battles. Sometimes full-fledged wars break out as communication melts down and both sides storm off in opposite directions. Along the way, many are left to ask, “Why doesn’t my family get my food restrictions?”

*Name changed by request

Next: The Need to See in Order to Believe

Be clear about your allergies. Socializing with out-of-town family or friends can be tricky because they may not fully understand the risks that food allergies present and the safeguards you or your child need.

Be polite, clear and assertive – and never feel bad about saying no to a food or beverage that is offered to you. It’s far better to be safe and enjoy your time away than to get an impromptu tour of the local emergency room.

Be in the kitchen when food is being prepared, read labels and help out. If you’re not sure about the food on offer, bring your own. People may ask why you’re not eating what they’re eating, but before long, they won’t even notice the difference – and you can kick back and enjoy a little peace of mind on your holiday.

Keeping Peace in the Family

Combine food allergies or celiac disease and staying with relatives, and sometimes misunderstandings arise and dinner preparations can dissolve into a family argument. What’s the solution? Smart, organized communication – and don’t wait until you’ve arrived to lay the groundwork.

Remind the family hosts – preferably by e-mail for handy reference – that you or your allergic family member has some special needs. Detail the allergies, the necessity for label reading and suggest what you can do to make the mealtime process easier for people new to these diet restrictions.

We also asked some experts for their strategies for family peace. Excellent and somewhat varied tips follow. Republished from Allergic Living magazine.

Beverley Cathcart-Ross
Parenting Coach, founder of the Parenting Network

• Step 1: Find a calm, appropriate time for everyone to discuss your or your child’s food allergies. Five minutes before the meal is served is not going to work.
• Step 2: To win people’s cooperation you need to acknowledge their viewpoint, or you could end up in an argument. Don’t defend or say “yes, but”.
  Be quiet listen carefully – even if you don’t agree.
• Step 3: In 10 words or less, speak about how you feel. Calmly say something like, “I care too much about this family to fight” – then be quiet. Repeating your concerns won’t strengthen your cause.
• Step 4: Brainstorm. Together with your family, make a list of two or three things that would improve the situation. Remember: work toward improvement, not perfection. You just want family gatherings to run safely.

Laurie Harada
Executive director, Anaphylaxis Canada

• It’s not just what you say; it’s your choice of words and tone of voice. Stay away from phrases like, “You should do this” and “Why aren’t you doing that?” These will put a person on the defensive.
• Step back, think of it from their perspective. Figure out what you do that gets your family members’ backs up, and consider what to do differently next time.
• Ask a neutral friend for his or her take on your tone, body language and choice of words before you have the big talk with relatives. Pick someone who will tell the truth, not just what you want to hear.

Gina Clowes
Life coach and director of Allergymoms.com

• People with allergies or allergic parents might share how it feels when their child is unable to take a cookie from the holiday buffet table. The emotional pull of this is huge, but those who do not live in our shoes have no idea until we share it with them.
• Most of the people who love us will listen, but we need to put our thoughts and concerns into words. People can sometimes misinterpret our rules and ways of life, and think it’s about control when it’s not. It’s about safety, inclusion and love.

Mary Allen
CEO, Allergy/Asthma Information Association

• Get a letter from your allergist that clearly states the allergy diagnosis, the ingredients that need to be avoided and the procedures to follow when a reaction occurs. Make 50 photocopies and hand them out to relatives and other caregivers. That way, it’s doctor’s advice. Also teach everyone how to use the auto-injector.
• Stick to medically verified facts, calmly repeating them as often as necessary. Don’t exaggerate. Avoid saying things such as, “My son can’t be in the same room as milk or peanut because the smell alone will kill him.” If you make that kind of claim, and the family later finds out it’s not based on evidence, you lose credibility.

Dr. Eyal Shemesh
Associate professor of pediatrics and psychiatry at Mount Sinai School of Medicine

• There are healthy ways to avoid allergens, but sometimes we avoid more than we need to – and this can lead to “avoidance coping.” For example, it may be unreasonable to expect a relative’s home to be allergen-free, but it’s safe to visit as long as there’s no exposure to harmful foods. Avoidance coping would mean not visiting the relative’s home at all because of the fear of allergens, even though exposure can be prevented.
• Avoidance coping blurs the line between what is allowed and what is not – and that leads to anxiety rather than confidence, because people can become afraid of safe, as well as unsafe, circumstances.

Share your views on Allergicliving.com’s Forum.

First published in Allergic Living magazine.
To order that issue or to subscribe, click here.

© Copyright AGW Publishing Inc.

See Also:
• Family Food Feud: Relatives and Allergies
• Tips for Traveling with Allergic Kids
• When Family Doesn’t ‘Get’ Allergies

So there I am sitting behind the glass wall at my son’s gymnastics’ class. I’m among all the moms, and would appear to be of the same social, educational and parental milieu as the pretty lot of them. We’re all about the same age – mid-thirtyish; we’re all dressed in like fashions – designer yoga pants, over-priced jeans, big leather bags; and we all have two kids, at least one of whom is on the other side of the glass jumping, balancing and climbing to their heart’s content.

On this particular day, one of the regulars arrives after missing a week to give birth to her third child. She’s skinny and fabulous, and of course the baby, who is home with the nanny, is an angel. Everyone’s adjusted and excited about the new little bundle of joy.

This ignites the third-baby debate. Some of the mothers are undecided, some not quite ready yet, and a few are in the process. But the general sentiment, even among the undecided, is “it just feels incomplete with only two” or “I just can’t imagine that this is it.”

This is where I begin to stand out like a third thumb. As the mother of two delicious boys – a 4-year-old who is severely allergic to peanuts, tree nuts, egg and other, and a 1-year-old who’s allergic to milk and yet-to-be-determined – I couldn’t fathom adding a hamster to my litter, much less another child, now or ever. Two feels incomplete?

“Oh my God, what’s wrong with me,” I think. “Two is so-oo more than enough,” I eventually blurt out. In fact, if we lived in a single baby world, I would have probably been OK to stop at one.

“But four is the new two,” says one quick-witted mom as she refers to what’s become a common understanding among this class – my class – of women.

Taking the cue from Hollywood (Brangelina, the Beckhams, Julia Roberts), high-flying New Yorkers (Tory Burch, Brooke de Ocampo, Princess Marie-Chantal) and our wealthier friends at home who have moved far away from the ’90s “less is more” mantra, “more” is back with a vengeance. This relates to everything from the power of our SUVs, the decadence of our homes and even the size of our families.

Makes sense – it’s expensive to raise children and unlike our parents, we are a generation of uber-planners and over-thinkers. We don’t take an “it-will-all-work-itself-out” approach to parenthood and we aren’t willing to sacrifice quality of life for quantity of offspring. So naturally, rich people get to have more kids and poor rich people stop at two or three. Power, prestige and pedigree in numbers. It’s what divides us.

We laugh at the “four is the new two” statement, but I’m the only one who is left feeling badly about myself. I’m not so bothered by the babies-for-status concept (first identified by British Vogue last year and elaborated upon in a recent New York Observer article entitled, “Four’s the Charm: Young Rich Can’t Stop Procreating!”), as sickening as it sounds.

But I often wonder why I feel so incapable of dealing with more kids, or leave my kids with the nanny for more than a couple of hours without palpitations? Why I am only as happy as my most unhappy child at any given moment?

Next: The Allergy Ratio

While speaking on behalf of Anaphylaxis Canada, I’ve had many occasions to share my personal perspective as the parent of a child with multiple food allergies. But it took several years for it to register just how focused I had become on my son Julian’s needs.

A few years ago, I had to cancel a meeting with our children’s newsletter editor, Joni Huang, because my daughter Samarra was sick. The e-mail I sent to Joni said: “Sam’s not well. Sorry, have to reschedule.” Her response came as a shock.

“Who’s Sam?” she wrote. Though Joni and I had swapped stories about our families for more than a year (one of her two boys is allergic to peanut and tree nuts), I had neglected to mention that I had two children, as I was so absorbed with Julian. “Bad mother” guilt sank in. I realized I needed to do more to let Samarra know that she was just as important as her older brother, who was often the focus of discussions because of his food allergies.

In fact, he still is. Journalists who ask me about parenting a child at risk have included Julian as well in several interviews. Watching us on air, Samarra has asked: “How come I don’t get to do interviews, too?” She has felt left out.

While it can be a continuing challenge to make our children feel special when one child’s condition requires more attention, I thought about how the simple act of showing of thanks might make a difference. I drew inspiration from a CBC Radio show hosted by Sook-Yin Lee in which she shared a letter of gratitude she had written to a friend. I thought about how we often overlook the importance of acknowledging the efforts of those closest to us, and decided to write a letter of gratitude to Samarra, who’s now 10 years old. It acknowledges all that she has done and will continue to do for her big brother.

Laurie’s Letter

Dear Sam,

Thank you for always being there for your brother. Though you two fight like cats and dogs some days, I know I can always count on you to support Julian.

You’ve been his protector since you were old enough to understand that some foods would make him really sick. When I explained that Julian had to stay away from peanuts, you took this to heart. I recall fondly how you shielded Julian with your little body, telling him, “Stay away!” and trying to guard him from the peanut shells those nasty squirrels had left on our front steps.

Without my knowledge, Julian taught you how to give him the EpiPen when you were 3 years old. Doubting that you would understand at such a tender age, I asked you to show me with the auto-injector trainer, as he had. With the exception of telling me that: “You have to hold the thing in his leg for 10 minutes” – you adeptly recited all the steps. Though I hadn’t expected you to be able to, I felt proud that you were able to learn how to use this device.

From the time you’ve been able to read, you’ve checked food labels, often asking: “Is this OK for Julian?” With excitement, you continue to show me new products which are safe for Julian, as you know how important his treats are.

One time, when we were helping Julian rehearse for a class presentation on food allergies, you acted as his classmate, sitting on our sofa beside your stuffed animals. After he finished his talk you asked him thoughtfully: “What would happen if you had an allergic reaction and you didn’t get your medicine? Could you die?” Fighting back tears, I realized how worrisome your brother’s allergy could be for you. Though your father and I have tried to focus on what can be done, and reassure you that fatalities are rare, this must have been weighing on your mind. What a burden for a little girl.

Sometimes it must feel like you’re left out, Samarra, because others seldom ask how allergies have affected your life. Though it may seem that Julian has the spotlight, remember my darling daughter that it’s often kids like you who are the unsung heroes, working behind the scenes to make life easier and safer for children like your brother. Thank you, Sam, for everything you do to make life better for Julian and others.

From the Winter 2009 issue of Allergic Living magazine. To order that issue or to subscribe, click here.