In retrospect, Becker knows the reaction could have been far worse, and she’s thankful it wasn’t. Still, she wonders whether her in-laws were actually checking to see if her child’s allergy was real. “To this day, I believe he gave it to him to test whether I was making the whole allergy up,” she says, adding that after the incident, the in-laws took the allergy far more seriously. “It was strange, because I now had ‘proof’ of my son’s allergy, so I felt more comfortable making special requests and inquiring about ingredients.”

For 14 years, Rachel O’Neill* has tried to get her mother-in-law to understand. O’Neill, who lives in Ottawa, has explained again and again that her allergies to tree nuts and peanuts are a serious condition that could land her in the hospital – or worse – and that her oral allergies to carrots and celery are not the product of pickiness. Still, when she and her husband visit, O’Neill’s mother-in-law continues to dish out foods she’s allergic to, then remembers out loud that her daughter-in-law doesn’t “like” them.

O’Neill’s husband always speaks up about his wife’s allergies, and for the most part, his mother seems sympathetic enough – until it’s mealtime. “The most frustrating part is that the sympathy is there, but the follow-through is not,” explains O’Neill. “I find it exhausting that I constantly have to ask whether the food being served has nuts in it – then still can’t trust that the answers are legit.”

In Pickering, Ontario, another family was shocked to discover the source of their young son’s frequent bouts of illness was his own grandparents. In the dangerously misguided belief they were building up his tolerance, the paternal grandparents had been secretly grinding almonds into his cereal behind his parents’ backs, and it was making the child sick.

Amazingly, stories like these are not at all uncommon. Every day, adults and kids are diagnosed with food allergies or celiac disease, and they naturally expect that the people closest to them will take the most care – as they would with any serious health condition. After all, you should be able to trust your mom to keep gluten out of her gravy, and assume that, when your brother babysits your peanut-allergic daughter, he carefully reads the ingredients on that chocolate bar, right?

For too many living with food allergies and celiac disease, sadly the answer is no. In the fall of 2010, Allergic Living sent out a request for anecdotes of family experiences (both good and bad), and within days we were inundated with responses – dozens of stories about grandparents, parents, uncles, aunts, sisters, brothers and in-laws denying and ignoring their allergies, disputing them, and worse, triggering reactions that could be life-threatening.

A disturbing number told stories of disbelieving family members actually “testing” allergies or gluten intolerance by slipping the offending food into their or their children’s meals.

Not surprisingly, those telling the anecdotes feel hurt, upset and betrayed as close family relationships descend into pitched family battles. Sometimes full-fledged wars break out as communication melts down and both sides storm off in opposite directions. Along the way, many are left to ask, “Why doesn’t my family get my food restrictions?”

*Name changed by request

Next: The Need to See in Order to Believe

Be clear about your allergies. Socializing with out-of-town family or friends can be tricky because they may not fully understand the risks that food allergies present and the safeguards you or your child need.

Be polite, clear and assertive – and never feel bad about saying no to a food or beverage that is offered to you. It’s far better to be safe and enjoy your time away than to get an impromptu tour of the local emergency room.

Be in the kitchen when food is being prepared, read labels and help out. If you’re not sure about the food on offer, bring your own. People may ask why you’re not eating what they’re eating, but before long, they won’t even notice the difference – and you can kick back and enjoy a little peace of mind on your holiday.

Keeping Peace in the Family

Combine food allergies or celiac disease and staying with relatives, and sometimes misunderstandings arise and dinner preparations can dissolve into a family argument. What’s the solution? Smart, organized communication – and don’t wait until you’ve arrived to lay the groundwork.

Remind the family hosts – preferably by e-mail for handy reference – that you or your allergic family member has some special needs. Detail the allergies, the necessity for label reading and suggest what you can do to make the mealtime process easier for people new to these diet restrictions.

We also asked some experts for their strategies for family peace. Excellent and somewhat varied tips follow. Republished from Allergic Living magazine.

Beverley Cathcart-Ross
Parenting Coach, founder of the Parenting Network

• Step 1: Find a calm, appropriate time for everyone to discuss your or your child’s food allergies. Five minutes before the meal is served is not going to work.
• Step 2: To win people’s cooperation you need to acknowledge their viewpoint, or you could end up in an argument. Don’t defend or say “yes, but”.
  Be quiet listen carefully – even if you don’t agree.
• Step 3: In 10 words or less, speak about how you feel. Calmly say something like, “I care too much about this family to fight” – then be quiet. Repeating your concerns won’t strengthen your cause.
• Step 4: Brainstorm. Together with your family, make a list of two or three things that would improve the situation. Remember: work toward improvement, not perfection. You just want family gatherings to run safely.

Laurie Harada
Executive director, Anaphylaxis Canada

• It’s not just what you say; it’s your choice of words and tone of voice. Stay away from phrases like, “You should do this” and “Why aren’t you doing that?” These will put a person on the defensive.
• Step back, think of it from their perspective. Figure out what you do that gets your family members’ backs up, and consider what to do differently next time.
• Ask a neutral friend for his or her take on your tone, body language and choice of words before you have the big talk with relatives. Pick someone who will tell the truth, not just what you want to hear.

Gina Clowes
Life coach and director of Allergymoms.com

• People with allergies or allergic parents might share how it feels when their child is unable to take a cookie from the holiday buffet table. The emotional pull of this is huge, but those who do not live in our shoes have no idea until we share it with them.
• Most of the people who love us will listen, but we need to put our thoughts and concerns into words. People can sometimes misinterpret our rules and ways of life, and think it’s about control when it’s not. It’s about safety, inclusion and love.

Mary Allen
CEO, Allergy/Asthma Information Association

• Get a letter from your allergist that clearly states the allergy diagnosis, the ingredients that need to be avoided and the procedures to follow when a reaction occurs. Make 50 photocopies and hand them out to relatives and other caregivers. That way, it’s doctor’s advice. Also teach everyone how to use the auto-injector.
• Stick to medically verified facts, calmly repeating them as often as necessary. Don’t exaggerate. Avoid saying things such as, “My son can’t be in the same room as milk or peanut because the smell alone will kill him.” If you make that kind of claim, and the family later finds out it’s not based on evidence, you lose credibility.

Dr. Eyal Shemesh
Associate professor of pediatrics and psychiatry at Mount Sinai School of Medicine

• There are healthy ways to avoid allergens, but sometimes we avoid more than we need to – and this can lead to “avoidance coping.” For example, it may be unreasonable to expect a relative’s home to be allergen-free, but it’s safe to visit as long as there’s no exposure to harmful foods. Avoidance coping would mean not visiting the relative’s home at all because of the fear of allergens, even though exposure can be prevented.
• Avoidance coping blurs the line between what is allowed and what is not – and that leads to anxiety rather than confidence, because people can become afraid of safe, as well as unsafe, circumstances.

Share your views on Allergicliving.com’s Forum.

First published in Allergic Living magazine.
To order that issue or to subscribe, click here.

© Copyright AGW Publishing Inc.

See Also:
• Family Food Feud: Relatives and Allergies
• Tips for Traveling with Allergic Kids
• When Family Doesn’t ‘Get’ Allergies

Today, Sean Randall, a 43-year-old artist, thinks it’s in a drawer somewhere. I always ask him if he has life insurance since Sean has allergies and asthma, the combination considered the most high risk for life-threatening reactions. A severe asthmatic as a child, he spent time in the oxygen tents, and now takes the controller drug Advair daily.

He has been coping in his own way for years. As a student in boarding school in Winnipeg, he never ate toast because the knives had been in peanut butter as well as jam jars.

“You manage,” he says. “You learn breakfast is cereal, you learn self-discipline.” Sean once ate a peanut by accident in a restaurant with low lighting, and had an anaphylactic reaction. He added to his strategies: “be more vigilant when eating in darkly lit restaurants.”

Rather than carrying an auto-injector, he figures a call to 911 will save him in a crisis. “It’s less of a decision and more of laziness. If you don’t use something for 20 years, it doesn’t seem necessary.”

Largely, he relies on avoidance: no peanuts are allowed in their house in Regina, and he doesn’t go to restaurants, such as Thai eateries, that use peanuts in the kitchen. He also avoids bake sales and has learned “the hard way” which chocolate bars will set off a reaction.

Still, my sister and I hope to wear him down yet, and finally get that prescription refilled.

Reprinted from Allergic Living magazine.

Related Reading:  The Allergy Deniers