These are prime dating years for 16-year-old Lisa Gordon, an outgoing Grade 11 student from a northern suburb of Toronto. But long before Lisa gets to the first kiss, she has to ask a few questions that are not likely to be written into any romantic plot: Did you eat any peanuts today? Or shellfish? Or coconuts? What about pecans or walnuts? “If we haven’t talked about it, there’s no kiss,” says Lisa. “I wouldn’t want him not to know, and then something terrible happens.”

No longer can those first few fumbled kisses just happen by chance or circumstance. It is a new world for Lisa and other teenagers with food allergies who are entering the dating arena, and that world can be dangerous. A kiss, even a careful peck on the cheek, can cause an allergic reaction or even a potentially fatal anaphylactic attack.

It was long believed that allergic reactions from kissing were exceedingly rare. But then, in 2002, Dr. Rosemary Hallett and her colleagues at the University of California at Davis discovered that kissing was far more hazardous for people allergic to nuts and seeds than doctors had thought.

Hallett and her fellow researchers sent out a general questionnaire to 379 individuals with allergies to nuts and seeds, or parents of children with those allergies. Twenty people who completed the survey, or 5.3 per cent, volunteered reports of reactions after kissing. When Hallett tracked down 17 of them, she found they all had symptoms of itching and swelling in the area kissed within a minute after the contact. Four of them had also started wheezing.

There was one child who nearly died. He was, Hallett wrote, “kissed on the cheek by his mother right after she tasted pea soup on the stove, and a large wheal immediately developed at the exact site of the kiss.” The child then flushed and started wheezing, and he was whisked to a hospital emergency department, where he was given a shot of epinephrine.

In the findings, published in The New England Journal of Medicine, the researchers noted that four people suffered reactions even though their partners had brushed their teeth. What’s more, Hallett suspected the percentage of people suffering post-kiss reactions might be far higher than 5 per cent, because the 20 people in the survey volunteered their information as opposed to being asked directly.

Her conclusion: “Since one-third of our subjects had reactions while dating, teenagers and young adults in particular need to be informed about this mode of exposure to allergens; patients of dating age who have severe food allergies may need extra encouragement to tell friends about it.”

For Lisa, this is easy. “I tell people whenever I make new friends,” says the extroverted teenager. “I just put it out there.” In Grade 9, for instance, Lisa met a boy from Barrie, Ontario, during a choir exchange. On the first day they were sitting with friends in the school cafeteria and Lisa was eating a rhubarb pie. “We were joking about it and it just came up. I said there aren’t many desserts that I can eat and I launched into my spiel.”

Then Lisa grew closer to Michael. One day he asked Lisa a question: If you smell nuts, would you have a reaction? Lisa leapt at the opportunity: “The allergen has to get into my body, either through food or by kissing someone.” Not long after, Michael asked Lisa out. She asked if he remembered what she had said about her allergies. “No kissing if I’ve eaten bad stuff, so I won’t,” he replied.

They kissed that night, and again over the next couple of months. Michael wouldn’t eat nuts either the day he was to see Lisa or the day before. He didn’t take any chances. “He’d brush his teeth five times a day, and five times the day before,” she says. The relationship ended after a couple of months, but Lisa feels optimistic about her dating life: “I can talk to anybody,” she says. “If I don’t feel comfortable, I won’t do anything, and I have the will power to pull it off.”

For the parent, dealing with an allergic teenager entering the dating world can be nerve-racking. Most deaths caused by reactions to food happen to people between 10 and 19 – a coming of age period when kids fear an allergy will prevent them from fitting in, according to a survey conducted by the Food Allergy & Anaphylaxis Network. Communication is key: “You have to know your teen,” says Beth Goldstein, a social worker whose 17-year-old son is allergic to peanuts.

Beth’s son, Ben, is so exquisitely sensitive to peanuts that she believes he once had a reaction from bits of peanut shell stuck to his shoes after a Toronto Blue Jays baseball game. A couple of days after the game, Ben put on his shoes just before popping an allergy pill. He promptly threw up, his usual reaction to small amounts of the allergen. Beth thinks his fingers touched the soles of his shoes and then the pill he put in his mouth. “I’m pretty sure thats what caused it,” she says.

When Ben was 13, Beth sat him down before dispatching him to summer camp. “You may have a girlfriend,” Beth told her son, “and you’re probably going to want to kiss her.” Then Beth told a story about the babysitter with a severe peanut allergy who kissed a girl at a high school dance and had to rush to the emergency room. It turned out the girl had eaten an Oh Henry candy bar. The moral of the story, Beth told her son, was this: “You’re going to have to feel comfortable enough to ask her whether she’s eaten peanut butter in the last few hours.” He replied: “Oh Mom, I know.”

Today, Ben puts it this way, “Whoever I am dating needs to have a very good understanding of my allergy.” He always asks before kissing, noting: “You have to pull one of the smooth moves.” His technique? Ask her if you can share her Coke and then, before sipping, pop the question: Have you had peanuts today? Or pull out the EpiPen. Ben’s not embarrassed about it any more. “It’s a shy issue but you have got to overcome it. If she isn’t willing to understand, or if you don’t feel comfortable, maybe it’s not worth it.”

Even after you get past those teenage kisses without any side effects that could arrest the romantic moment, dating with allergies continues to be a challenge, says Amy Cameron, the 33-year-old author of a new book on dating, Playing with Matches. Amy’s boyfriend, John, is allergic to milk, eggs and cats. The milk and eggs have never posed a real problem; John does the cooking.

But the dander allergy did cause a hitch. Amy has three cats that she picked up as strays, so John could not stay the night. “It was crazy,” says Amy. “We dated for 2 1/2 years, and he never stayed over.” Amy is allergic to cats as well, but she just puts up with sniffles. Then John moved in. “We were worried,” Amy says. But his tolerance, it turned out, had improved, while “my allergies are getting worse.”

While they were dating, Amy discovered she was allergic to tree nuts when her throat seized up after eating a second helping of a friend’s pecan pie. She saw an allergist, tested postively to nuts and now carries an auto-injector. Ever since that episode, John has helped by reminding her to check the ingredients in her food.

They’re careful about kissing, too. “If John has eaten nuts, he brushes his teeth and drinks lots of water.” In Amy’s case, that works just fine. John, by the way, doesn’t need any encouragement to brush. “Are you kidding?” says Amy. “Guys will give up pretty much anything if they can kiss someone.”

First published in Allergic Living magazine, Spring 2005
(c) Copyright AGW Publishing Inc.

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Related Reading

• Article on Adult Dating with Allergies, Celiac
  
• Food allergy Dating Tips

DATE GEAR

• Always carry emergency medications in a purse or a ‘man bag,’ including at least one auto-injector (the brands EpiPen or Auvi-Q, Allerject) and some Benadryl or  Zyrtec [Reactine].

• Always wear a MedicAlert bracelet. There are now attractive ones in 14K gold or silver and even with Swarvoski crystals and pearls for women.

• Carry your doctor’s phone number.

• Have a written emergency action plan that’s kept in an accessible place. Forms are available online from the Food Allergy & Anaphylaxis Network http://foodallergy.org/downloads.html and the American Academy of Allergy, Asthma & Immunology at http://www.aaaai.org/patients/resources.

• For longer outings, have safe snacks in your bag.

TALKING “THE TALK”

• Be upfront from the start with a new date, explaining your allergies or intolerance. Make it clear that you have some dietary restrictions that have to be followed – either food allergies or celiac disease are serious conditions. Handled carelessly, the former could lead to a trip to the ER. Stress that, when you abide by your avoidance practices, your condition is completely manageable.
  Social Factor [SF]: Don’t put the dating partner in the position of reserving at a great restaurant, and then you have to turn down the invitation.

• Suggest early dating ideas without food: a concert, movie, sports event, art exhibit or going hiking, skating, skiing or indoor rock climbing. Or meet some place that you know for drinks.
  SF: Dates outside of the standard dinner date can be unique, memorable. You’ll get to make the point that you can have a great time, you simply have to be careful with food.

• Let the person know, early on, what to do in an allergic emergency. Make it clear that if you seem to be reacting, you’ve got to have the auto-injector; then 911 needs to be called. Show the auto-injector, demonstrate how it is used, stress that it needs to be used promptly.
  SF: People can be initially concerned by the “big needle”. Assure the person that it’s a great relief from a reaction, that the discomfort is minimal.

• If looking for a companion on a dating site, why not mention food allergies or celiac?
  SF: Could be intriguing to a foodie who likes to cook.

EATING OUT

• In the early going, if you’re eating out, be the one to suggest the restaurant. Have a list of safe spots that you like and whose kitchens you know to be vigilant about food safety and avoiding cross-contact. It’s good to be aware of a few restaurants in different areas of town. Then if you’re out for a walk and he (or she) suggests stopping for dinner, you have a name.
  SF: Allergy-aware kitchens tend to have progressive kitchens, and that usually means good food.

• For later dates, when he or she suggests a new eatery, phone ahead and question the chef or manager about the menu, making sure there are dishes safe for you, and that the kitchen is mindful of cross-contamination.
  SF: By checking, there will be no embarrassing “we can’t eat here” scenes.

• Be judicious with wine and alcohol, so you don’t drop your own guard around food. If you’re a teen, avoid wine, liquor and drugs, period. While anaphylaxis is not something you want to encounter, even worse would be encountering it in a compromised state.

• For a subsequent date, preparing a meal at your place is a great way to have a romantic evening and be safe all at the same time. Learn how to cook a few easy dishes.

HOTTER OF COOLER?

• Go out with people who aren’t nervous around your allergies or intolerance. On the flipside, avoid people who constantly make jokes about your condition. You won’t find it funny at all.

• Be willing to say “no”.
  SF: If someone is cavalier about your food needs at the wooing stage, the outlook isn’t good.

• The mood is getting flirty and relaxed? Great, but if you haven’t already, now’s the time to sashay into the topic of kissing precautions – and that it can be risky to kiss someone who has been eating nuts (if you’re nut allergic). So you ask: anything you’ve eaten today that contains nuts?
  SF: If you handle it right and he hasn’t eaten anything nut-laden foods, you could boost the romantic tension.

• SF: If he (or she) really is “that into you,” he’ll probably gladly give up a food – not just for a day – to please you.

Originally published in Allergic Living magazine.
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See Also:

• Main Article: Dating with Allergies, Celiac
• Kissing Reactions and Teens
  

© Copyright AGW Publishing Inc.

Situation: There’s a friend at work you’ve often had lunch with. Lately, he’s decided it’s funny to tell the waiter “just bring her some water – she’s allergic to everything else.”

How to handle: Before your next midday meal with Don Rickles, prepare a sarcastic retort along the lines of “while my incredibly sensitive friend finds the idea of me doing a faceplant in my soup hilarious, I think I’ll just tell you about my life-threatening allergies instead.” If that doesn’t get the point across, ditch buddy boy and find a new lunchmate; preferably one who doesn’t find your serious health condition such a thigh-slapper.

Situation: Your new in-laws are desperate to have you two over for dinner, but you’re highly allergic to cats, and their beloved Mr. Tinkles is definitely the lord of the manor.

How to handle: You might as well be honest. Tell them about your allergy, and suggest that a meal in their beautiful garden would be a better option. (Hey, kissing up to the in-laws early is a good idea, especially if you’re planning to have kids.) It doesn’t hurt to lay some ground rules early either, in preparation for all those years and years of visits ahead. Ask if Mr. Tinkles could be confined to one room while you’re there, and suggest that, while you know your mother-in-law’s house is always spotless, maybe running the vacuum quickly before you arrive would, however, help your breathing. Bring a treat for the ball of allergenic fluff to show you don’t hate cats, really. And get your husband to agree to a late arrival and early departure, lest he bear the brunt of your coughing, snoring and wheezing all night.

Situation: A close friend asks you to be in her wedding party, but option two on the reception dinner menu is salmon – and you’re at risk of anaphylaxis to fish.

How to handle: Tell her that you’re willing to wear the seafoam green taffeta bridesmaid dress, but you’ll have to put your foot down when it comes to your ability to breathe unassisted. Speak
to the caterer ahead of time: can he assure that if you pick one of the other options, there will be no cross-contamination in the kitchen? If in doubt, bring your own meal and ask the caterer to have it served along with the others. Give a trusted friend the task of overseeing the handling of your food in the kitchen.If even a good whiff of fish has you reaching for the Epi or Twinject, tell the bride that, while you will be thrilled to precede her down the aisle, you’ll have to arrive at the reception after all fishy scraps have been cleared.

Situation: You’re out at a restaurant on a first date with an attractive, interesting fellow, who orders something you’re allergic to. Later, he leans in for a goodnight kiss.

How to handle: First of all, a kiss on the first date? OK, I’m old- fashioned, but a handshake or a hug should suffice. If your heart is already aflutter, best to be upfront. Calmly tell Dreamboat that he’s eaten something you’re allergic to, and that it’s just not safe for you to lock lips so soon after he’s eaten. Thank him for a wonderful evening and suggest getting together soon for a non-food date.

First published in Allergic Living magazine.
(c) Copyright AGW Publishing Inc.

To subscribe or order a back issue, click here.